Fill the larder and provision the pantry. Christmas is almost here and Hanukkah is already upon us. I’m assuming Kwanzaa is lurking out there as well, but have never been entirely clear on the dates for that. With all that peace, joy and love in the offing, as well as lots of holiday house guests preparing to infest your already Christmas-crap filled home, I thought this would be a good time to share some of the insights, tricks and tips I’ve gathered over the years to make your holidays as fun-filled and festive as my own.

G’night John Boy. Merry Christmas, Mama!

Just kidding. Here’s the real story:

1. Abandon hope. Do not expect the next ten days to be anything other than one long series of agonizing scenes punctuated by screaming arguments, uncomfortable silences, outrageous behavior and gluttonous overindulgence, ultimately giving way to hysteria-induced nervous prostration – unless of course you married into the Waltons or one of those goofy musical families, and I have my suspicions about what was going on up on that mountain. I mean really, John Boy?
2. Lower your expectations. If on January 2, you are still alive and listed in the will, it’s a win. You can focus on dealing with the weight gain, cirrhosis and hair loss later. That’s why God invented residential treatment.
3. Stock up now. Stuff your refrigerator and cupboard with as much food and drink as you can possibly manage. Hang up a “Self-Serve” sign on both.
4. Hide all candles, matches, blow torches, Krazy Glue and lab equipment. If I need to explain why, you may want to consider booking your neuro-psych evaluation sooner rather than later.
5. 

   Just in case and mind the sphincter. Courtesy patient.co.uk

   Buy a stomach pump (assuming of course you don’t already have one) and write down the poison control number somewhere you can find it, like on the back of your hand with a sharpie. Again, self-explanatory. File it under better safe than medevac-ed.

6. Make sure all insurance policies are paid up and in effect.
7. And as always, stock the bar.

That should about do it. Any tips you’d care to share?