The Kitchen is Closed

The Slattern is out. To lunch.

via myrunshorts.com

Like my childhood idol Lucy Van Pelt, I have built a spectacularly un-lucrative business around giving out practical, yet almost entirely useless, advice on a variety of topics. In my case, much of what I’ve written this past year has had a culinary rather than psychiatric focus, though I reckon the frequent side trips through the cesspit of my psyche could also serve as a cautionary tale for the observant reader or licensed mental health professional.  In any case, a stroll through the archives will show you how to make a pie, roast a chicken, whip up a tasty vinaigrette, bake a killer brownie and shake an authentic Sazerac. These are just the highlights, of course, but I think I can say that I have assembled a fair, if bare bones, primer on how to provide reasonably high quality sustenance for both family and friends without losing your mind, which was, after all, the goal I set during the initial planning meeting for Kitchen Slattern, aka one extremely drunken dinner party in the summer of 2011 during which the capable and persuasive Jen bought the name on my behalf and the enthusiastic and persuasive Robin egged us both on. Good times.

“Help me Dr. Feelbad. You’re my only hope.”

So as I say, over the past year I think I’ve made a reasonable contribution to gastronomy, much as Roseanne Barr did for unique musical performances a couple of decades past. As previously noted, a cautionary tale, but a memorable one nonetheless. And though I like writing about food in many ways, I find I may have “shot my wad,” if you’ll pardon the vulgarity, as far as cooking goes. I just don’t have that much more to offer on the subject. In addition, the little Slattern is off at college, Mr. Slattern long ago disavowed mammal consumption and lately is off sugar, salt and cheese, and I have placed my diet and health, for better or hellaciously worse, in the hands of Dr. Feelbad in an effort to lose the “sampling weight” I accumulated while overseeing quality control for such delightful treats as chocolate crinkles, lemon ginger pie and easy clafouti. I miss them all, I won’t lie.

Bottom line here: If I can’t sample, I can’t offer recipes. And though I could set this up as an improve-your-life-through-healthy-eating concern, who would want to read that? More importantly, how would I ever stop drinking if I had to write it? As such, I’m closing the kitchen and making it official. Going forward, I may offer up the odd culinary tidbit, and might even recycle some of the older chestnuts for the holidays, but in general, I’m going to confine my comments to the vast, weird territory that lies well beyond the limits of my cluttery, now under-provisioned, pantry.

Stay with me folks. It could get interesting.

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About WSW

Writer, wife, mother. Toiler in the bottomless, black, soul-sucking coal mine of domestic life. Thank God for the portable bar.

Posted on October 23, 2012, in The Slattern Speaks and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. I have clearly been mistaken. I thought this was more of a sommelier-ish guide to wine cellars and distilleries sort of endeavour. lol. No, seriously. I enjoy whatever your throw our way.

  2. I continue to cook but I simply dont eat it. Call me a masochist but Im dieting in prep for a winter holiday but Ive been passing food dishes to family, friends and even work.

  3. Oh thank God! It depresses me to read about delicious things that will make me sick anyway. Psychosis doesn’t adversely effect my stomach at all and delights my twisted little mind, so I’ll keep reading.

  4. Cookery, crockery, cockery or no, I’d still follow.

    That being said, will you still drink profusely? Or will you just act like you have?

    • I have had to give up cheese, sugar and baguettes to keep my place at the bar. I will not go quietly. In fact, I will not go at all. Fear not, Grasshopper, the slattern imbibes.

  5. Following you more now that I am not going into a pesky office. You can follow us at hmsindy.blogspot.com to see what we are up to!

  6. Not going to say that I approve of the kitchen closing down, but I understand. I’ll do my best to increase the sampling on my end for ya.

    • I have enough trouble staying on the dietary straight and narrow while following your site — no need to make matters worse with DIY gluttony.

  7. Thank you for all of the tips. I have made the Chex mix, potatoes gratin and brownies, just for starters (Jim especially thanks you for the Chex mix, which I think he could single-handedly eating in a sitting — Audrey sent us the spices long ago but it wasn’t until your blog that I finally got to do it). I have had such fun reading here and even though we live far away, I felt like you were here with us a bit! Food is like that for me — it’s memories, family and love.

    • Thank you Nicole! If you can stand to stick around for the post-food chatter, you may learn even more about the soft white underbelly of our family life. Provided you can bear it.

  8. Snoring Dog Studio

    I’m sticking with you! As joehoover says, I’ve noticed a ton of bloggers quitting the scene lately. And I’m alarmed. It’s like having good friends move away. I enjoy your insights and I’ll be okay if you don’t write about food. That painting reminds me that I need to go for a run today. Thank you.

  9. I started following your blog after you began to post the snarky, the coffee-spewing, the bizarre…

    Skip the food! I’m on board for the ride wherever your unflitered brain-to-fingers synapses take us.

    BTW, who sent you that pic of my butt????

  10. you really picked a terrible lead in woman!! Goodness… I am buckling up and ready for the ride. Nice painting by the way.. my eyes did not need to see that haaaa

  11. I panicked that you were leaving (it’s been a day of drama and over reactions over here).

    • A little dollop of chocolate should set you to rights. Failing that, I’ve got a swell recipe for hot whiskey rattling around the archives.

  12. Wherever you take this blog I’ll follow. Lead on KS!

  13. You know I’m on board for this ride, darlin’!

  14. Phew, I thought you were leaving for good and this is happening far too often lately with bloggers I like. So I’m glad you are just changing your focus.

    I wrote a cookery blog but remians unpublised, mainly because it was only for my mum as she can’t cook for shit, but also as there are no photos as I ate everything too quickly once it was ready witnessed by the burns on the roof of my mouth.

  1. Pingback: The Holiday Cookie Swap: You’re kidding me, right? « The Kitchen Slattern Speaks

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