Sandy’s Upside: Finally some good news

Martha’s offices remain dark. All around the world, the sane breathe a sigh of relief.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Why, oh why, do you continue to subscribe to Martha’s missives given that you neither follow her advice nor drink the Kool-Aid she ladles out from the tasteful punchbowl in her lofty perch atop the domestic goddess pantheon?”

Thank you for asking.

In response to your question, I have to say I’m not sure. The most obvious answer is that Martha’s busybody newsletters, narcissistic epistles, endless TV shows and rat-ass crazy magazine provide easy fodder for a slattern such as myself. They, in effect, help me position myself as the anti-Martha and define my world, albeit in negative terms — no crafts, no fiddly recipes and most importantly, no fucking Halloween parties. As I may have mentioned, the woman makes my ass ache.

“What do you mean we don’t charge for email subscriptions!?”
Via wikipedia.

Perhaps it’s the illicit thrill of getting something for nothing from Martha’s mighty Omnimedia empire that keeps me from hitting the unsubscribe button. I neither buy the mag, nor shop at K-Mart, nor order online, and still I get her product delivered, as if by magic and for free, to my shabby little inbox on a fairly regular basis. I worked in marketing long enough to see that this represents a poor return on advertising investment, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy being a drag on the queen’s bottom line.

Both answers are plausible, but it may be that the real truth is a bit darker and more sinister. Mayhap, there’s an element of Stockholm Syndrome about my relationship with Mrs. Stewart. Certainly the specter of the jailhouse hangs over her empire, even now. Yes, I loathe her and despise her fun-destroying, make-work approach to doing everything from changing a roll of toilet paper to making a ham sandwich and decorating the inside of your junk drawer, but somehow it delights me that she still encourages me to participate, to buy her line of crap if you will. In the words of Cheap Trick, “(Hey Martha) I want you to want ME.”

I don’t know, I guess the main reason I stay on the mailing list is probably that the ratchet-jawed old so and so is just fun to mock. In any case, I’ll be sure to let you know when the lights come back on. Hopefully there’s still time to salvage Thanksgiving.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hey folks, in all seriousness, Hurricane Sandy has devastated many lives and communities here in New York, and though the lights are slowly coming back on, it will be a very long time before this city and its people are whole again. I guarantee that anything you can do — a donation, a prayer or a message of support — will be most appreciated.

 

About WSW

Writer, wife, mother. Toiler in the bottomless, black, soul-sucking coal mine of domestic life. Thank God for the portable bar.

Posted on November 5, 2012, in The Slattern Speaks and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. I sat next to a man at a dinner party recently who had served under General Martha for a tour and I must admit that listening to his collection of horror stories was almost better than the meal (almost–because I would shiv a man for another plate of the smoked salmon pasta dish that was served.) It’s satisfying to loathe that sort of bitchy perfection.

  2. One of Liz’s nephews used to work for dear old Martha…some interesting stories to be had there. :-)

    • I you ever take me up on my offer of drinks in the King Cole Bar, I’ll trade you my story of being mistaken for one of her minions in Downeast Maine for your nephew’s tales from the dark side. ;}

      • Haha. I promise to take you up on the offer. Unfortunately we skipped town rather quickly to get back down to DC so Liz could apply/network for jobs. Never fear though, we’ll be hopefully coming up on a semi regular basis and I’ll let you know.

  3. And you think I am weird for liking Ina… :-)

  4. domestic death star ha ha…I always think of SNL every time I think of Martha.. they did her so well.
    My heart goes out to all those in NYC and Jersey.. just awful

  5. You too can make a 3 dimensional, entirely candy haunted house, here’s how. Really Martha, can I? Do I really want to?
    This post was quite fun and funny thank you.
    I would also like to point out that her company is now working with ConEd to inform the masses that the system is down. Can’t get away from that Con stuff at all huh?

  6. Martha is why I hate her. She’s the reason all sane people hate her. Omnimedia fer Chrissakes. Not too much hubris Martha.

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