courtesy theprudentendeavor.wordpress.com

When did thin crispy bacon go out of style and, more importantly, WHY ferchrissakes? I really would like an answer.

Let me tell you a little story.

This morning I went out for a little Saturday morning breakfasty-brunch and ordered bacon and eggs. Simple enough. As I slurped that first cup o’ joe and nursed along a life giving Bloody Mary – some days you really do need the simultaneous up of the caffeine and the down of the vodka just to get your head screwed on right  – I was happily anticipating a hefty protein shot to the system. If, by now, you don’t have a pretty good idea of what went on last night, lean over and ask Sister Margaret Mary for clarification.

Anyways, as I was saying, breakfast. So out comes my plate and right there, on top of my scrambled eggs just as God intended them and to the left of the decorative orange slice, I see what appear to be three slabs of charred fatback. Honestly, it looked like someone had taken a chainsaw to a piece of salt pork the size of my grandmother’s Buick. They must have needed a backyard pit, a flamethrower and a load of napalm to cook the damn things.

And so, once again, I experienced the crushing disappointment of thick cut bacon. It never gets crispy (and I did specify “crispy bacon” to my server, Morgynne, I assure you); it is impossible to chew and even tougher to digest; and it is now jammed so far down between my crowns that I’m going to have to frack it out. What’s worse, the damned stuff starts festering the minute it makes contact with the soft tissue of the mouth and soon the entire right side of my jaw will be inflamed and throbbing.

Why, you ask, did I eat the damned stuff? BECAUSE THE FREAKING BREAKFAST WAS $12.50, THAT’S WHY.