Ah New Year’s Day, that wonderful celebration of new beginnings, hangover ministrations, formal apologies, stomach pumps and bail hearings. Following as it does on the heels of what my family fondly calls amateur night, January first is steeped in homespun tradition, most of which centers around stepping over the moaning carcasses of relatives, friends and complete strangers strewn around the living room and desperately trying to warm themselves at the flat screen. But it’s also about disconsolately sipping Alka Seltzer between trips to the powder room and coping with the mortification and shame that accompany each flashback of the night before.

courtesy foodnetwork.com

And then, of course, there are resolutions to be contemplated, made and almost immediately abandoned. What’s mine? you ask. Well, in addition to losing those pesky last thirty pounds (plateauing at two is such a bitch) and giving my liver the occasional day off, I’ve vowed to watch each and every episode of Rachel vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off. The January first premier is perfect timing; I’ll already be nauseated before it even begins!

In case you haven’t run across any of the endless, psychosis-inducing promos for the series, here’s the skinny. Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri, my two absolute favorite TV chefs, are squaring off as the captains of two teams of celebrity cooks! Got it? No? Let me try again. Two of the most repulsive television cooking personalities in history will oversee teams of celebrity has-beens (and a few never-weres) in a reality cooking contest. Pure genius, is it not? It promises a steady stream of gutteral utterings, impossibly vile food and a level of violent mayhem previously unthinkable on prime time. And that’s before the cast even gets out of the dressing rooms!

Consider the contestants: There’s Joey Fatone. His Food Network bio begins, “Former *NSYNC singer and Dancing with the Stars contestant…” I think we can stop right there! Also on hand to flip a spliff, er burger, will be Cheech Marin, who in addition to being a world class dope smoker has written three children’s books, and let me tell you, “Bong Along Bob” was a huge favorite when the little Slatterns were coming up. We’ll also get a squint at the cooking skills of Alyssa Campanella. Who?

Coolio! courtesy http://www.torrentsland.com

And then there’s Coolio. Imagine the moment when he commands Rachel to “get yo ass to the table” or makes an insightful observation such as, “Ah oily salad ain’t shit.” Maybe he and Joey will have a musical throw down. Perhaps the cameras will catch Cheech corrupting Miss Junior America by giving her shotgun hits between courses. The possibilities are ENDLESS. I cannot wait.

Now, the original title for the show was Celebrity Smackdown, and I for one, think the name change was a mistake. After all, Guy Fieri is “the bad boy of the Food Network,” which in my book makes him second only to the bully of the Bolshoi or the renegade of the Ice Capades for pure gangsta-type bad-assery. By now, I think you all know my feelings about Rachel. Enough said.

I’ll be tuning in, and I think by 9 pm (Eastern) a little hair of the dog will not be amiss. In fact dog fur is probably what they’ll be serving up. I may even live blog if I can figure out what that is….