"Ooh that's a nasty mess" (courtesy Oprah.com)

So in the spirit of being “helpful,” a friend sent me a pdf entitled “2012 Declutter and Organize Calendar” which was created by an obviously well-intentioned woman named Beth. Now I’m sure that, as a professional organizer, Beth has seen things that would make even a marginally functional adult like myself shudder. I’ve watched Hoarders. In fact I even have a sneaking fondness for those two English ladies who go around sniffing other people’s filthy toilets and soiled bed linens. I love them even though they terrify me.

So anyhoo, here’s the thing, the calendar was created by a woman whose business is life simplification, and it runs 15 pages. 15 pages of instructions on how to simplify your life! There is a task for every single day of the year, even Christmas (“Let go of craft projects you have lost interest in” – no problem there, so technically that would be a day off for me) and my birthday (“Declutter foot massagers, back scratchers, heating things if you don’t use” – Huh?).

OK, this is madness. Spending an entire year cleaning up your house? Let me save you 364 days of torture:

If your house is a cluttery pig pen, get rid of half of your stuff.*

You’re welcome.

*Does not apply to shoes or items in the portable bar.