I am NOT a foodie

Hi Everybody. My name is K. Nice to be here. Well, not really. See, I don’t have a food problem. It’s just that one of my blog buddies, The Byronic Man, recently referred to me as a foodie, and it got me thinking about how I’m perceived by others, so I decided to drop by, you know, just to check out a meeting.

In fact, high end cooking is not what I do. I’m more of a slap-it-on-the-table-so-I-can-get-back-to-cocktail-hour kind of cook. Food is just a blip on my screen. Really. I can stop anytime I want.

Secret Treasure Loaf* courtesy McGann's Big Game

And by the way I know what you’re doing with Ritz crackers and Cheez Wiz on the table there. I see the green bean casserole. What’s that meatloaf thing? Secret treasure loaf* — never heard of it. I could eat those. If I wanted to. And that Semi-Homemade video playing on an endless loop in the corner? That doesn’t bother me one stinking bit. See? I’m looking at it right…OH MY GOD tell me she didn’t just dredge those chicken cutlets in Knorr leek soup powder before she fried them!

I’m OK, I’m OK. I just need to sit down for a minute. Can I have a glass of water, please? Thank you. Is this from the tap? You don’t have sparkling by any chance?

What’s that you said? I’m not doing anything, just straightening the cocktail napkins and making sure the folds are all on the same side. No, that’s not OCD, it’s just good manners. If you don’t believe me, just ask M….Nothing, I didn’t say anything. I certainly was NOT going to invoke Martha. I hardly know who she is — if she hadn’t gone to jail, I bet I wouldn’t even have recognized the name.

See? Crafting only.

Hey! Get your mitts out of my bag. That’s not MY Martha Stewart Living. I’m just holding it for a friend. There were two copies at the gym this morning, you know how it is. No, that is not my name on the mailing label. That’s…my mom. Well I expect she’s trying to firm up a bit too, or maybe she was just looking for me in the spin room one day. Ever think of THAT? Oh alright, but I just read it for the crafts.

Blog? Yes, I write a blog, but it’s primarily a humor blog, you see, not a cooking one. My persona is just a foil, an avatar, you know an excuse to make a joke. I am in no way serious about food. Look it up on your iPad, there Mr. C, I urged people to use pie crust mix! No self respecting foodie would do that.

Pardon, Mr. C?  Béchamel? I may have mentioned it once or twice. In passing. Oh c’mon man. Recommending that people make béchamel instead of opening a can of cream of mushroom soup hardly rises to the level of obsession. That’s a healthy eating suggestion, like lowering your sodium or using free range chickens instead of Purdue, both of which recommendations I am proud to say I’ve made. What I’m really providing is a public service. Promoting health, you dig? Sure I know the difference between white and black truffles, and I have even been known to shop at Fairway. But I buy Cheerios and little mini quiches there just like everyone else.

I glove you. courtesy boston.com

You understand, it’s mostly that I just detest the term foodie. You know how Baby Jane felt about Blanche, or Varitek feels about A-Rod (or how I do for that matter)?  The term “foodie” is juvenile and implies a pretentious mania, and while I admit I do occasionally  dangle a toe into the mania pond (mostly at the dipso- end), I am in no way obsessed with food.

What’s that you say? Nadia G? You wouldn’t. Oh my God, no, not that. Please, I just can’t. I can’t bear it. I’ll do anything, just don’t start that video. I AM BEGGING YOU.

Thank you. Really, I couldn’t have stood it. What’s that Mr. B?  Oh I don’t know, maybe you’re right. I guess I should start again.

Hi Everybody. My name is K and I am a foodie.

Can’t we at least find another name for it?

* Secret Treasure Loaf: A loaf of ground Spam cubes with a Velveeta cheese center topped with a layer of hot Velveeta. Really.

Hey folks, As you’ve no doubt noticed, this post was Freshly Pressed. As this is my first go round with the process, please forgive me if I don’t answer each and every comment. I am most grateful for your presence and will try to visit you as soon as I get my thumb out of my mouth and dig out from under this mountain of attention. Many thanks again to The Byronic Man, for irking inspiring me to write this. At the risk of losing your custom to his far superior blog, let me urge you to take a peek at his oeuvre. As oeuvres go, it’s mighty impressive. 

About WSW

Writer, wife, mother. Toiler in the bottomless, black, soul-sucking coal mine of domestic life. Thank God for the portable bar.

Posted on February 11, 2012, in Cooking, Words to live by and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 122 Comments.

  1. Hello non-Foodie.

    We are not foodies either 🙂

    http://wearenotfoodies.com

    • Delightful to have your company in my tatty little kitchen. When I’m looking for real cooking advice, yours will be among the first blogs I visit.

      Thanks for stopping in!

  2. Thank you for your post! Keep up the good job and have a great aloha week!! ^_^

  3. Secret treasure loaf looks pretty good to me right about now.

  4. Whoa! I just went to go look at what was going on in the “FOOD” topic section and there is my new foodie (wait, I mean… not foodie… ummm… nevermind) friend as a featured post! Awesome! I feel like I know (and by know, I mean in an anonymous internet sort of way) somebody famous!

  5. This looks awesome. Good job on the posts! 😀

  6. Hilarious! I had to Google Velveeta, as it sounded suspiciously like a depilatory cream (two for the price of one?!)

  7. Thank you SOOOO much. That secret treasure loaf looks amazing.

  8. Secret loaf looks like something that should have been kept a secret. I’m guessing you have to spend a lot of secret time in the bathroom after eating that monstrosity. I’ll admit it. I try to eat healthy and be all “foodie” but then I also do stuff like make pie crust just so I can eat it which Im pretty sure knocks me down to “slovenly depressed emotional eater” status. And if it makes you feel better, I always ensure my napkin folds are pointing the right way. It’s not OCD at all because any good hostess knows that every time you have your napkins folded the wrong way a baby seal gets eaten by a shark. I’m just trying to save the baby seals.

  9. Great post and especially loved the Secret Treasure Loaf. Yeah, ok, maybe not the loaf, but the blog is boss! If I ever have someone over for dinner that I truly don’t want there, I’ll have the perfect recipe.

  10. Haha. I hear I am obsessed with health and nutrition. I have been deemed a foodie once or twice myself. I love the suggestion for ditching the cream of mushroom to reduce sodium. Fantastic post and congrats on the Freshly Pressed honor 🙂

  11. Love me some sparkling water! 🙂

  12. Delightful! Keep up the great work!

  13. I love the look of your blog, by the way. Love WordPress for all its flexibility & choices! They really do great work (and I’m not meaning to brown-nose, it’s just true).

  14. Spam meatloaf? Oy. Great post, fun to read, and yes, I’m with you on the term “foodie”!

  15. funny and delicious blog.mmm.
    i like it
    and follow it
    cuz i like cooking =)

  16. Is it wrong that I really want to try that meatloaf even if it is the ‘secret treasure meatloaf’? And, I should fear any kind of food that has a ‘secret’ in it, but it looks so cheesy and good!

  17. Yay! Congratulations of being freshly pressed! I think the editors are hanging out in your neighborhood. 🙂

  18. I love this blog. It’s funny and cute, but really dude, the spam meatloaf? anyway . . . great blog

    val
    http://valentinedefrancis.wordpress.com

  19. Hilarious! Just stumbled upon your blog coz of FP. Congrats foodie! 🙂

  20. When you defined Secret Treasure Loaf I think I threw up a little in my mouth. :/

  21. alldigital photography

    I am a real foodie, love it. In fact I am going out to dinner tonight.

  22. Secret Treasure Loaf* courtesy McGann’s Im hungry now thanks to you …

  23. I sooo appreciate someone who understands derogatory! Eat well!

  24. OK, here’s what I have to say about your FP status.
    1) Who was the first person to like this post?
    2) Who was the first person to comment on this post?
    3) Who added you to her blogroll RIGHT before the FP thing happened?
    4) Who gets takeout five nights a week?
    5) Who has a Martha Stewart bobblehead doll on her dashboard?
    Coincidence? You decide. Or not. You’re in the pole position right now.

  25. That pic of meat loaf looks delish. 1coffeehouse.wordpress.com

  26. Love the term foodie… I’m such a foodie too haha 🙂 Congrats on being on freshly pressed! Found your blog that way

    /Linda
    http://www.lindalind.com/blog

  27. Just remember who turned you on to the smoky link/grape jelly delight….

  28. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
    I love your foody humor!

  29. lol, thoroughly enjoyed this read!

    I thought I was a foodie until I realized there were unwritten rules that required one to “desire” or at least claim to desire Balut or to watch Anthony Bourdain eat animal anus and NOT be grossed out…
    no thanks
    but I have made beetza, tried dandelion greens, and I know what pork belly is.. but I could also clean out a can of Beefaroni , how do you label that?

  30. I loves this post! hahaha I love food! you don’t understand I think Im addicted to food hahaha You are very funny. Ill deff come back here to read moreeee..
    =]

  31. Love your post. Very funny. I’m with you. I love food, cooking, blogging and everything related to food but the term “foodie” trivializes a real passion.

  32. “Foodie”..I thought it was a Foot covering…like a Hoodie for your feet..

    spread the humor:charlywalker.wordpress.com

  33. Freshly Pressed?! Woooooo! I’ll be over here when you need me… pretending I’m not jealous. 🙂

  34. OMG! I used to be a devoted Martha fan. Then she started dying grass for her hand made Easter baskets that were dyed to match the grass – all organic products of course and they looked like really expensive, time consuming $5.00 baskets you can get at the store. What was the point? Like kids cared about who dyed the darn grass. I’m just saying no to the craziness and yes to whatever help I can get around the kitchen. Love the post.

  35. Ah, the term “foodie.” I thought I was the only lover of food and drink that despised the term. Great post!!!

  36. Uh oh. I was just bemoaning Costco for its gigantic tubs of “spices” (aka salty dust). Does my love of non-irradiated herbs make me a foodie?

    Congratulations on the FP– I can really relate to this post, minus the affinity for Martha. 🙂

  37. Foodie or not, you’re on Freshly Pressed! Woo hoo.

  38. Yayyyyyyyy! The Slattern has finally been Pressed. About friggin’ time. Thank God, she’s a virgin no more! Congratulations. You deserved this from your very first post, you brilliantly funny woman, you!

  39. OH MY GOD that Secret Treasure Loaf is out of this world. And by that I mean “I wish it wasn’t in this world.”

    I also hate the term foodie. It sound so derogatory, like eating good food is something to be ashamed of.

  40. Urban Country Girl

    Foodie = Food Politician.

    Thanks for the post.

  41. I love the stream-of-conciousness style in this post! Really goes well with the “you called me a what? No!” theme of this post. Now if it just had raspberry vinagrette on top . . .

  42. That’s so funny. I too have been accused of being a foodie and I take great offense! I am most certainly NOT a foodie. I just like to eat. I like to eat very adventurously and it’s not my fault that most of my friends eat mac & cheese from a box. They just don’t understand my deep and abiding love of food. BUT I eat at taco truck, and holes in the wall….and I love them. A true foodie wouldn’t do that would they? Hmmmmm, maybe I need to redefine what a foodie is…..
    Loved your post. I truly understand.
    P.S. Sorry,I can’t stand Martha though. She’s not a foodie, she’s obsessive complusive!

  43. Not admitting to being a foodie is the first step to recovery. The second step is to stay out of the spice aisle of the supermarket. After that you’re on your own.

  44. Reblogged this on Nutrition Activist Blog and commented:
    Love This Story!

  45. what exactly is a “foodie”?

  46. That’s my goal for this year to eat less salt.
    I use to raise those free range chickens back in the day
    on the range.

    Dan

  47. I actually write a blog called Diaries of a Foodie. It’s not until recently that I realized the connentations that accompany the word foodie. I just think of it as a neat way to say I love food, but perhaps I’ll have to write a blog about the topic. I’ll be sure to reference your post as well. Thanks for clarifying. I don’t see how loving Velvetta mexican cheese disqualifies me as a foodie, but I have a feeling for some, it does.

  48. I am a foodie too! And I’d like to eat the Secret Treasure Pie lol! Great piece of writing:)

  49. Yeah I don’t know what they’re talking about either. This blog is obviously about humor, ok and maybe some food, but still – humor. Stereotypists!! Great posting and congrats on the FP!

  50. I hate the label “foodie” too. Can’t I like food without sounding like a pretentious douche?

  51. Absolutely love your writing style! 😀 Nice read!

    http://ayooutloud.wordpress.com/

  52. Secret Treasure Loaf… seriously?!? Is it wrong I am somehow put off and facinated by it at the same time? lol… You have a very funny blog here…;o) thanks for putting a smile on my face today… ;o)

  53. Oh holy Joseph — I am making a Secret Treasure Loaf TONIGHT. 🙂

    Great post!

  54. You may not be a foodie, but you are a great blogger!

  55. Don’t get me started on this whole fetishizing of food. It’s not enough that I must be nourished by it, but I have to worship it, too?

    Because I look at food as fuel for my body, I get looked down by these culinary cultists as, well, as piece of Velveeta-covered meatloaf.

  56. LOL! I have a similair conversation whenever the subject of blogging comes up. “Yes, I have a blog about food … but I’m NOT a foodie!” I’m a reluctant foodie, perhaps because to me the term means food snob. And, while I do enjoy food, I at least try to not be snobby about it.

    ~Kelsey

  57. Nice post. I go back and forth between being a foodie and a slob. One day I can crave foie gras in port reduction and the next lick burnt Crisco out of a frying pan.

    • As long as somebody else reduces the foie gras, I say go for it. Otherwise, in my book, there’s nothing wrong with a little pot licking from time to time. Thanks for stopping in. Love your site!

  58. Congrats – love the premise of this post! Food network, watch out!

  59. Nothin’ like a Spam loaf when you are really hungry! How much fun are you!!! 🙂 Congrats on FP and enjoy a no-bake cookie as a reward!

  60. You’re welcome to go by FUD LADEE, which is what the cats call me. Now, it’s for a different reason, of course, but certainly there are no prestigious assumptions that go along with this moniker, but yet you still have the ability to communicate that you often write about food and that you are a lady. Most of the time.

    Sparkling water? Really?

    Very nice, as always. Funny, funny stuff.

  61. I’m all about Baby Jane and Blanche. Great post, K.!

  62. Man, some bloggers are so touchy!

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