The Slattern Rants: “Oh no, I don’t cook.”

I ADORE puppies…as long as someone else does the cooking.

As I have previously documented in my cluttery, overfurnished, boozy little corner of the blogosphere, given even a glimmer of a chance, I would move into a hotel and eat every meal in a restaurant for the rest of my life. In a heartbeat. Alas, though we all have dreams, we must also live in the real world. As such I can cook, and of necessity I do cook; from time to time I’ll admit I even enjoy it.

Knowing how to prepare a basic meal is just one of those things a reasonably competant adult should be able to do, along with riding a bicycle, driving a car and swallowing the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle without going all sissy and gagging.

PSST Guy. Guy, your shades are on BACKWARDS. Courtesy foodnetworkhumor.com

Now I’m not saying everyone needs to be able to rustle up a standing rib roast or les nonnettes de poulet Agnès Sorel at the drop of a hat, but really the production of a simple omelette or burger should be well within the abilities of even the meanest intelligence. Hell, Guy Fieri has built a lucrative career as a cook, and he can’t even figure out which side of his head his fucking sunglasses belong on.

See, here’s the thing of it. Obviously I can’t condemn someone who is too dim to follow a recipe, and I certainly don’t begrudge those who can, but prefer not to. I’m probably related to the former, and I sincerely hope one day to join the ranks of the latter. It’s the people who proudly say, “Oh, I don’t cook” — with that unsubtle moue of distaste, obvious sense of superiority, and more than a flicker of contempt — who just fry my ass.

Now this applies equally to men and women, but I find that, with a few notable exceptions, men are usually pretty straightforward about their shortcomings, preferences or ignorance in matters gourmet, whereas certain of their female counterparts have elevated overbearing non-cooking snobbery and condescension to an art form. In my line of work — urban hausfrau, that is — I have had ample opportunity to study the species bitchus pain in the assus up close and personal, and in my experience snotty non-cookers usually fall into one of several broad categories.

The Artiste

I know I’ve got a blender in here somewhere. via hitchcockblonde

Her “unique” appearance clearly signals that she is just way too creative to apply her genius to anything outside the studio. For her, Saran Wrap, yams and meat thermometers are only relevant as performance art props. Ask her to toss the salad and she’ll gobble it down, throw it right back up and write a poem about it. Hand her some tongs and she’ll put on a puppet show with them. When confronted with a whisk, she will likely try to sing into it.

The Princess

Oh God, you’re not going to ask me about boring old cooking again? Courtesy pbs.org.

The princess feels that cooking is beneath her. She’d like you to believe they had servants for all that sort of thing when she was growing up. If she could, she’d not only have someone cook for her, but also have a food taster and third stooge to chew it all up. Times being what they are, however, she makes due with dinner at Bouley and the odd Thai takeout. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The Ball Buster

I got your pots and pans right here. Courtesy public enemies columbus

Having long since smashed the glass ceiling, thrashed every underling who had the temerity to breathe in her presence and consumed the souls of the unfortunate interns sacrificed on the alter of her narcissistic self-god, the ball buster would no sooner get a meal than she would smile without thinking of eating your liver. Raw. No cooking involved or needed.

The Ho

When you said, “whip it,” I thought you meant something altogether more interesting.

She’s so busy watching Sex in the City reruns, wriggling in and out of her Le Perla thong and making personal “biographical” video tapes of her gorgeous self that she wouldn’t cook even if she was willing to stoop that low. She’ll stoop. Just not to stir a pot.

Do not even get me started on people who don’t have televisions.

About WSW

Writer, wife, mother. Toiler in the bottomless, black, soul-sucking coal mine of domestic life. Thank God for the portable bar.

Posted on March 4, 2012, in Cooking, TV Cooks, Words to live by and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. So very true. I loved the descriptions. I’ve met at least one of each. Well enjoy your trip to Texas. I hear Austin is delightful and though Texmex is not my bag, many people swear by it. Of course many people swear by Nickleback too so…

    • In truth Austin was less delightful than I expected, though I’m sure it’s loads of fun for some. The TexMex, however, was superb. Fish tacos, baby!

  2. I’m just relieved that this did not mean that you don’t cook anymore. Now my dream of us getting together to cook and wine can live on.

  3. Hey I am catching up…been away and now I am back and always look forward to your posts.

    I too would eat out every day…but reality hits!

  4. HOW did I miss this one, duh… hilarious!

  5. This may get printed out & glued to the frig for whenever I need a laugh ! (by the way, Ab. Fab was a fav show of mine, just seeing that photo in your last post made my week!) I really do LOVE cooking and baking…its all the crap that goes with it that reminds me it was easier to just go to work ever day…..

  6. Wait…I have to cook AND swallow the damn tequila worm without gagging. Nuh-uh. I made a damn frittata this morning and am planning on making a healthy turkey and zucchini meatloaf for dinner. Swallowing drunken, shriveled, segmented creatures does not and will not define me. Now shut up while I pretend that I don’t own three televisions and that two of them aren’t on right now because I’m so busy reading the paper and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle – in pen.

    Hilarious post, as usual. Keep kicking ass, you little slattern.

    • Ok, you’re allowed to gag on the worm, but I warn you, crying will not be tolerated. Not until after the mescaline hits your brain anyway.

  7. As a former kitchen rat I read your post with interest. Women don’t have the franchaise on non-cooking. Though men requirte open flames to cook (why do you think those French chefs flambe everything?) Men love showing women that they not only can kill and dress an animal they can cook the sucker. I cook for myself because I’m trying to figure a quick way out of the kitchen. I’m thinking of passing on quick shots on my Wednesday Blog. http://tomwisk.wordpress.com

  8. You made me laugh out loud! What more could I ask for on a Sunday morning? Good post.

  9. I love you. I almost spit coffee at my computer screen when I read the tequila worm part. Rant on sister!

  10. I like cooking; I hate cleaning up, but I’m such a good guy that I clean up as I go along. Well, I also only have one good pan and one good pot, so I have to clean up as I along … unless we live on casseroles. Children hate casseroles. They want their foods completely segregated from each other. They are foodists.

  1. Pingback: Pat Robertson Calls Out Slatternly Women « The Kitchen Slattern Speaks

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