Martha Stewart: The gift that keeps on giving
There are perfectly good reasons why I subscribe to virtually everything Martha Stewart puts out — for free that is. As I have chronicled, the woman makes my ass ache; however, I have found tremendous inspiration in her works. For the snark-minded, she is the gift that keeps on giving.
So the latest epistle from Martha suggests making a button necklace. I’ll spare you the details, but it looks like this. According to Martha, you’ll need 60 buttons to replicate the dazzling item in the photo. So I checked out Chichester, her suggested source for the buttons, and my suspicions were correct.
Abalone buttons range from $1.75 to $6.70 apiece depending on size. Now I’m assuming you wouldn’t opt for the saucer-size three inch buttons, but let’s say you go for the half inch ones. At $2 a pop, you’re in for $120 bucks before shipping, handling and tax. Then you have to buy the string, and after that you’ll need about three days to put the goddamned thing together (it requires approximately 125 knots by my count), plus a large vat of Bag Balm to treat the open sores on your fingers. (About $8 for the 10 ounce tub, and if you don’t keep it around the house, you should. It’s miraculous.)
All in then, I’m guesstimating this little DIY extravaganza will run you about $150. That’s three bottles of Veuve Cliquot or an entire case of Ten High with a few bucks left over to throw at your bail for those of you who prefer the liquid measure. And all so that you can proudly sport a necklace that looks like a mentally-challenged, eight-fingered six year-old made it at Y camp, and which you will then have to fess up to having created yourself. Believe me folks, you’re better off with the whiskey.
All of which begs the question, Is it ME?
Posted on April 19, 2012, in Commentary, Rants and tagged Celebrity Homemakers, Crafts, Homemaking, Humor, Martha, Martha Stewart, Veuve Clicquot. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.
Forget about Martha Stewart. I’m impressed you found a way to mention Veuve Cliquot and Ten High in the same sentence. Nice.
I know, right? A marvelous opportunity to affect a snotty French accent and a down home trailer twang both in the same breath. 😉
No, it’s Martha. She’s been off the rails for a while now and the people at the home promised that she’d behave and stick to variations on tuna noodle casserole.
Talk is cheap, Tom. Abalone buttons, however, are not.
Just catch an abalone and cut the buttons off the jacket.
Is THAT what they mean by catch and release?
Erm…half my comment disappeared and now it makes no sense. Feel free to delete that one please!
Damn! I’d just finished the last knot and was planning to give this stupid button necklace to you as a “welcome back to $350 at the emergency room having my fingertips scrubbed down, sterilized and stitched and another $50 on a bottle of Veuve Cliquot to ease the pain. Welcome back. BTW, this bitch is also back. It’s on!
So nice to have company in the
I think a good and cheaper alternative is to use those spare buttons that come with a new jacket or shirt and stick it onto the necklace. I’m always losing the damn things and when the buttons really do fall off my shirt, I can’t find the spares. But you’d have a Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Button Necklace type of thing.
I got one of those as a third grade Mother’s Day gift and am still trying to get over the horror of having to wear it. No dice, sister. Those extra buttons go straight to the landfill.
Ha, I always like measuring things in whiskey.
I prefer to call them happy pills. But agreed.