Cooking as tragedy
“I cook to inspire my husband to pay attention to me.”
— Sonia Rumzi, Simple Conversation
As the quote above comes from a work of fiction, I am relieved to report it was never (to my knowledge) uttered by a real human being, though the fact that an author would even think it up is disturbing enough that it gave me pause.
I stumbled upon this little gem as I was trolling for snappy food and cooking quotes and was intrigued enough to look up the book, which apparently involves online dating, food and a woman so fascinatingly tragic she merits primary character status in a published work of fiction. It was reviewed by one reader as follows:
The characters I found humerus and charming.
Hmm, perhaps I’ll give this one a miss.
I do however, find the quote sufficiently alarming to issue the following warning: Ladies, if your husband isn’t paying attention to you (and you find that you give a shit), do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to get his attention with a well prepared meal. This gives rise to unrealistic expectations and sets a dangerous marital precedent. Instead get a bikini wax, put on some lipstick and a pair of heels and give him another chance. Failing that, grab the Doritos and shoot out the TV. If he’s still tuned out, trade up. I hear this guy may be available, and apparently he’s more interested in drinks than dinner. Perfect!
Posted on July 17, 2012, in Cooking, Weird Weird Weird and tagged Advice, Bikini Wax, divorce, Humor, Johnny Depp, Marriage, Online dating service, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.
Dear Advice Columnist for the Cooking-retarded:
I just started dating a guy who keeps asking me what is my signature dish. He seems to get off on talking about food and me cooking for him. I keep saying *ME, ME, ME*, but he doesn’t seem to get it. What should I be saying instead?
Will Soon Be Single Again, Because I Do Not Cook for My Man
Try “good-bye.” Then find one who can live on love. 😉
Wait a second…you’re only giving advice for the ladies? What about the men? 😉
Seriously though I was having an intense discussion with my NYC wife about cookies last night and need your take: Soft or hard?
Depends on the cookie. Oatmeal: thin, crispy and salty (no cinnamon, chocolate chips rather than raisins). Chocolate chip: soft and chewy, NO NUTS, though the folks at Tate’s are rapidly changing my mind on the texture issue. Molasses or chocolate crinkle: macaroon-like exterior with soft, slightly undercooked interior. Sugar cookie: paper thin and burnt.
Hey wait a minute: We’re talking about cookies in a literal, rather than metaphorical sense, right?
You’ve done it. Men cook to attract women. Then pass the job off except when they’re looking for extra sugar. Women cook to keep men. They let men cook to foster a false sense of dependancy.
Well, I have now learned something today. Thank you, Tom.
To thank you for all the laughter, I have nominated you for the Sunshine Award. You rock. The link is http://theembiggensproject.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/the-sunshine-award-yay/
A thousand thanks. You are too kind — and way too nice to be hanging around here, especially at night. I will do my level best to be worthy, but be warned you may get corrupted in the process.
Becoming completely corrupt is on my Bucket List. All’s good.
You are in the right place, then. Welcome to the cesspit. Care for an inner tube, or do you prefer to float on your back?
I was really hoping that wasn’t a quote from a living person. Especially when everyone already tells girls that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
So, yes to the heels and lipstick!!
The route to a man’s heart runs well south of the stomach. Trust me here.
Hahaha, that one had me choking on my wine!
If I cook my husband goes into shock and says “who are you and what have you done with my wife?” I do it every year or so just to keep him off balance.
You are one smart gal.
Humerus, indeed. Couldn’t sleep last night. All above-mentioned attention-getters seem way too labor intensive when viewed through my current groggy lens. Come to think of it, attention is the last thing I want right now. That works out!
The longer the marriage endures, the less often attention matters, no?
Though I don’t cook to make Hubby pay attention to me, it does work. And it gives him the impression that I actually do something all day long.
Cat’s out of the bag now, my friend. Time to crank up that crock pot.