Listening in Downeast

Geezers say the darnedest things!

I overheard the following conversation in the checkout line at the Ellsworth, Maine Home Depot this morning:

Alarmed dog courtesy Responsible Pet Ownership blog.

Mike: “Jesus Christ, Harold, how you been doin’?”

Harold: “Well hello there, Mike. Didn’t see you creep up on me. You know, I can’t complain. What’ve you been up to?”

Mike: “Oh not much really, just fuckin’ the dog, you know.”

Now I’m sure that the expression “fucking the dog” (meaning doing nothing for those of you who didn’t grow up in a trailer park or a women’s prison) is not new, and neither is it peculiar to Maine, but I can tell you that this is the only place on Earth I have ever heard it uttered. God only knows where it came from, and I for one would rather not dwell on the possibilities.

I have, in fact, also heard various layabout good-for-nothing dimwits referred to as “FTD specialists.” Again, only north of the New Hampshire border. As a rule, FTD specialists are universally acknowledged to be as dim as they are slothful. As in,

My husband’s a real FTD specialist. He don’t do a goddamned thing, and he’s number than a pounded thumb to boot. He don’t know nothin’. Shit, he don’t even suspect nothin’.

I may never go back to New York.

About WSW

Writer, wife, mother. Toiler in the bottomless, black, soul-sucking coal mine of domestic life. Thank God for the portable bar.

Posted on August 8, 2012, in Commentary, The Slattern Speaks and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. So glad you clarified that. Now I can call off the ASPCA.

  2. I nominated you for a Tell Me About Yourself award. I know it’s a lot of work, and you are on vacation, but . . .

    • Many thanks for the award. I am thrilled to be in such exalted and sane company. I will endeavor to pass it forward as soon as (and if ever) I emerge from this blissed-out food coma I call vacation.

  3. I hadn’t heard of FTD. So, naturally—Mind. Blown. It is funny though.

  4. Well this is a new one for me. I’ll go ahead and consider myself enlightened for the day and start the drink parade. 🙂

    Many thanks my friend.

  5. It’s just the worst phrase. Just the worst.

    • Oh no, there are worse ones. Far, far worse. I’ve heard things — unspeakable things — that make me blush and want to immerse my soul in bleach, and that’s going some. Then there are the expressions I don’t even understand…

  6. Missing down east this year! Packing and de-craping the house!

  7. Dear Kitchen Slattern,
    Failure is impossible if you just lower your sights sufficiently. Well done, good woman Tom

  8. One of the things I remember are the Bert and Me records. They were G rated but funny as hell. Expecially the one about an iron lung loose in town.

  9. good stuff here!

  10. FOTFL. That is just inspirational.

  1. Pingback: “It was just a Zumba class, Honey” « The Kitchen Slattern Speaks

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