Hell in a hand basket (Halloween my way)

Holy Mother of God, is it Halloween again? Already?  How I could have missed this given the flurry of Martha Stewart Halloween hints that clutter up my email this time of year is a mystery. Perhaps it’s because this is the first year the little Slattern has not been home for the holiday, and as such the first year I have not had to make or even think about costumes. Anyways…in recognition of this, my least favorite holiday, I give you…drum roll please…last year’s post. Don’t be disappointed. It was a corker.

Martha without her makeup. Told ya’.

I hate Halloween. The costume hysteria, the sugar meltdown, the sugar coma, the instant weight gain, the toilet paper in the trees, the stink of scorched pumpkin innards, and that’s before we even begin to deal with the children.

Then there’s the expectation that this, or something very like it, will somehow come into play. Yeah, sure. Imagine a bag of cold oatmeal in a thong and handcuffs for a preview of the appeal of that. Finally, factor in a bunch of cranked up kids and you’ve got a recipe for instant Armageddon, folks.

So how do I cope with it year after soul-destroying year? I think you know, but in case you don’t here’s my strategy. Do with it what you will.

October 27
: Buy candy I think the kids will like, but which really is what I like: Snickers miniatures, Twizzlers, Heath bars, peanut butter cups, et al.

October 28: Emerge from sugar coma long enough to destroy the evidence and trash any remaining food items.

October 29: Replace consumed candy with items I do not like (Charlestown Chew, Laffy Taffy, pixie stix). Eat those anyway, because by now the sugar monkey on my back has become a gorilla and the beast must be fed.

October 30: Join Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous or similar. Plan a gym visit. Begin green tea detox and abandon it three hours later.

October 31
4 pm: Run out to corner store in a panic to replace candy currently stored on my ass or passing through my digestive tract. Find only reject items, such as Good ‘N Plenty, Mary Janes, Red Hots. Buy anyway along with a large bottle of pink grapefruit juice.

5 pm: Dump all reject candy into a large bowl and set on front steps. Too shameful to hand out in person. Turn out all the lights. Retreat to the back of the house with the grapefruit juice and a large bottle of vodka and wait it out with a Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon. By the time the trick or treaters have finished their retaliatory toilet papering and egging for the crap candy, I’m too fat to clean it up and  too drunk to care.

November 1: Back to Betty Ford.

About WSW

Writer, wife, mother. Toiler in the bottomless, black, soul-sucking coal mine of domestic life. Thank God for the portable bar.

Posted on October 30, 2012, in Holiday fare, The Slattern Speaks and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Congrats–if it couldn’t be the Tigers, glad it could be the Sox. Also, Good n Plenty is the food of the devil. The dessert course to that horrible veg burger I blogged about.

  2. Hi Wendie, glad to see you’re taking Halloween in good stride. We don’t get Trick or Treaters and I don’t buy candy this being the beginning of my long awaited diet. Sobriety has kept me from enjoying scaring the bejeezus out of the little visitors. Nothing beats a slightly swaying, beer smelling hobo giving out candy and leering at moms who act as escorts. I was evil.

  3. They get trucked into Oxford by the score – about 250 on average. We have lots of fun, the kids are very well behaved, parents drink and ghool, and we all quit promtly at 8:00. Amazing no?

  4. Reject candy–that’s funny. 🙂

    We live on a busy street with no sidewalks so in the 12 years we’ve lived here, not one trick-or-treater has come by. I usually buy a bag of candy “just in case.” This year I didn’t. Which I suppose guarantees I’ll get one…

    • I always think this is the perfect night for a double feature at the local mega-plex. The little darlings can ring your doorbell to their hearts’ content. By the time you get home, word has spread that your door is a dud and they’re all safely home preparing to make their parents’ lives a living hell until the candy runs out. Win Win, as we used to say in the board room. 😉

  5. Reblogged this on Kitchen Slattern and commented:

    Because I am still (happily) in a malt beverage and Red Sox-induced delirium, the last thing I’m going to do is ruin an otherwise perfect October 31 with thoughts about my least favorite holiday. Instead, I’ll just recycle my standard Halloween post. The original, and still the best folks.

  6. Halloween is being forced on us Brits the last few years (that and American football), the kids are taking up the bait though, luckily where I live it’s not safe for kids to be walking around in the dark, too urban and not family friendly enough. I nipped over the road to get some fags last night and there were enough freaks about who had nothing to do with Halloween, there was one guy stealing an ice cream tub by putting it down his trousers. Some goth drunk buying a can of beer and bragging how cheap it is compared to the pub at the top of his voice, like he has just discovered something no-one else knew. Then there was a guy on rollerblades carrying bags of shopping, cigarette n his mouth and hollding on to the back of a bus as it sped down the road.

    Last year some older kids trick or treated but it involved them banging on my door with their fists and screaming obscenities through the letterbox.

  7. The only upside to this is that, after a that candy, we won’t need a costume to frighten the children on Halloween.

  8. LOL….I’m the same way about the candy. I told Liz not to by any twix at the store, because that is the one thing gluttonous thing I have little control over. What does she do…walk through the door to a bag to torture me. Damn you women!! 🙂

  9. Snoring Dog Studio

    Hilarious! Not a single soul comes to my home on Halloween. At times I feel grateful; sometimes I feel shunned. I stopped putting a bowl of candy on my steps, which would remain full. I stopped buying candy. I barely decorate the house for it. The event could come and go unnoticed were it not for the fact that at work, we’re FORCED TO DECORATE OUR LOBBY. Really. We’re forced to do this time consuming nonsense. So, now I dread the damn day.

  10. Couldn’t be truer if I had written it myself! I have been chuckling over this all day. Thanks!

  11. We could all do with less sugar! All though the kids are pretty adorable and it gets them away from their electronic devices to dress up and actually walk around the hood even if they’re getting candy. At least their mothers eat most of it!

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