The Slattern gets with The Plan
Day 1: In which one desperate, overweight, middle-aged urbanite attempts to make and consume flax seed granola. Welcome to “The Plan.”
Regular visitors to my little literary lock-down unit will know that when it comes to dieting and weight loss, my “suffering is legendary even in Hell,” as the infamous Pinhead so aptly put it.
In recent months, my quest to reduce has become something of a forced-march, and my struggles to rein in my intake are now the stuff of legend. OK, maybe not Legend in the biblical or Arthurian sense, but I think it’s fair to say that this challenge looms large on my personal horizon. And by that I mean, it has begun to consume my every waking hour, haunt my dreams and even impinge on that most sacred of rituals, cocktail hour.
I have consulted with (and subsequently eighty-sixed) Dr. Feelbad, diet doctor to the stars, on the basis of his poor bedside manner, his obvious supplement scam and complete lack of interest in important details like stress levels, sleep patterns and whether I’m going to have a nervous breakdown in the next ten minutes. These, you see, have an enormous impact on weight, as any reputable doctor/nutritionist worth his
salt Maine Coast Organic Kelp Granules (salt is fast becoming a war crime in my house) will attest.
Now, having tried the many small meals approach and failed in a spectacular fashion, I was becoming rather desperate. Always ravenous, constantly panic stricken from hunger and never within reach of an approved high-protein, low-carb, non-pizza food, I was haunted by the desire for a cookie, piece of fudge or entire cheesecake, pretty much night and day. When I say I was powerless in the face of these cravings, you can believe it. Picture an aggressively peckish Honey Boo Boo gazing upon a truckload of pork rinds or Bill Clinton peering through the window of a jello-wrestling marathon, and you get the idea.
Sure I was down ten pounds, but that happened two months ago. I had, as we in the diet-as-second-career business say, plateaued. The problem: twenty more to go, no idea how to get up the mountain and not a crampon in sight.
Enter “The Lyn-Genet Plan.”
So yesterday I flicked on the tube and caught a few minutes of an interview with the oddly-monickered Lyn-Genet Recitas. She claims that the key to successful weight loss and abundant good health is not calorie counting or the banishment of wine, chocolate and cheese; rather it’s the elimination of specific foods that we cannot tolerate. So I was in — all over IT.
Straightaway I bought the book and headed out to provision. Unfortunately, all of New York City is apparently in with me, so finding the necessary food items was more like a scavenger hunt with the cast of Survivor than a zen-like shopping trip as prelude to radiant good health. The required dandelion tea was scarcer than hen’s teeth, while the mandatory flax seed granola was nowhere to be found. As such I have been forced to concoct my own flax seed granola from the vague recipe in the book. In fact, all of the recipes are quite vague. Luckily I do have a certain skill in the kitchen, and was able to create a semi-palatable iteration to keep body and soul together until the store-bought version arrives in the mail. And I will share; I’m a giver.
- To 1/2 cup of water, add 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon, 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg, 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves and a teaspoon of pure vanilla extract.
- Add 1 cup of whole flax seeds to the water and spices and mix it up.
- Refrigerate the mixture COVERED overnight.
- The next morning scoop it out and spread it in a baking dish (metal, not pyrex) or cookie sheet. Not too thick, just enough to cover the surface with no gaps. As pictured:
- Use a spoon to press it down (this is important because it holds together better when you do) and bake it at 300 degrees for 45-55 minutes or so. About half way through, you may need to flip it over so that it crisps up. Just break it into big hunks.
- You can add dried fruits and nuts when you’re ready to eat it.
Is it delicious? No, but it’s BULKY, and if you cover it in blueberries and coconut milk, it’s not half bad.
Now, since the three-day cleanse portion of The Plan includes the dreaded kale, I’ll need a strong stomach, but I am resolved to go forward, and will let you know how it all shakes out.
Posted on January 23, 2013, in UGH Healthy Eating and tagged Bill Clinton, Flax seed granola, Kale, Lyn-Genet Recitas, The Plan, Weight loss. Bookmark the permalink. 46 Comments.
I’m fascinated by this whole “reactive foods” business. I suppose the Mojo potatoes and fried chicken I ate at the Shakey’s pizza school fundraiser were reactive. Lord knows they were disgusting. I felt my heart explode right after my taste buds declared me persona non grata. I might go buy a bag of kale in the interest of self preservation and solidarity.
The Plan is not for sissies. After eight days of carrots and kale I am about as ready as a person could be for a little Shakey’s pizza and no lie. If you must, buy baby kale and saute it with mushrooms then douse it in some kind of sauce. As previously chronicled, it’s nasty stuff.
I’m looking for a Plan myself trying to beat the genetic odds and the hormonal heft. Here’s one I ran across–the Virgin Diet where you eliminate only 7 things (diary, eggs, corn, peanuts, wheat, sugar, and soy). She has a spot on PBS and gets paid $3,000 an hour by celebs. Sound like a Plan? I’m rooting for you and hoping you don’t become homicidal.
It’s been a struggle, mostly because eating outside the house is guaranteed to cause weight gain. I’m still working off a pizza night last weekend, but it does seem to work otherwise and at least it allows chocolate (an ounce a day) which is better than a sharp stick in the eye. Only just.
Flax seed granola, mmmm!
Oh Wendie, Wendie, Wendie. WHY do you DO this to yourself? (and to us…)
Things were getting dire on the back end of my train, my friend. It’s ugly, but it must be done.
I got a piece of paper, all ready to write down your recipe for the flaxseed, but by the time I sat back down, said to myself, “Who the hell am I kidding?” I did lose 22 pounds last year in 22 weeks….tried for a pound a week. Drank 8 glasses of water, limited my stupid Coke drinking and played on the ellipitical at the gym. I was so proud…but most of it came back on….I swear in just one weekend…ok, I lie, but I can’t find that willpower again…Good luck with your kale (I shudder) and flaxseed diet. You sound like you are on the ball with this. Best wishes!!! 🙂
Constant vigilance is the price of peace, I guess. Sigh.
I’ve decided to take this Plan on too, I will be watching and following!
I’ll be curious to hear how it goes for you. I’m starting day five after a disastrous night of pizza. Up a pound after losing three. I think she may be on to something. Glad you stopped by!
Wine is absolutely necessary to anyone’s daily diet. You may or may not know that I don’t eat solid foods, but I will tell you that the LBHQ humans (who do) eat whatever they want because they lift weights and it revs their metabolism all day. Seriously. They are not naturally slim either.
Even though I laugh at them, it seems to be working.
The liquid diet — my dream.
Godspeed fair maid.
I could use a little tailwind, I won’t lie.
I have even gone so far as to test my blood sugar in a faint attempt at keeping it under 100…to do this requires no more than 30 grams of carbs at every meal. Since wine has 4-6 carbs a glass…well…its not even part of the plan at the moment. And granola…well. I would have to measure each little piece to get to 30 grams and that is not easy to do. Oatmeal is good, but the high carb craisens are out. Nuts are in. Eggs are in. Cheese is in. Meat is in. Veggies, veggies and more veggies are in. Diet soda with a small splash of liquor are in (that’s right, alcohol has no carbs). A small piece of fruit has 15 grams of carbs generally speaking, so I have to be moderate there too. Will let you know how I do…and Dr. Oz says every one of my meals should be 50% protein, 30% fat and 20% carbs. Cause I am a gazelle…go figure! Just cause I crave salty things…Good look Wendy gal! You know you can do it!
I lost 1.5 pounds in one day, Madi. There may be something to this reactive foods business.
I’ve been on every type of diet over the span of my adult years and no matter what, it always comes down to a mathematical calculation of calories taken in and calories used.
That said, it is always good to have something less caloric as a snack that is tasty and refreshing. Your concoction sounds good.
It’s not really very good, but it IS filling. Down 1.5 pounds in one day, my friend, so presumably it works.
Be warned Slattern. Flax seed can be used as an alternative to Metamucil, so the granola might be a moving experience in more ways than one.
The woman on the chair appears to have four buttocks. Must make for a bit of guesswork if she hit the flax seeds with a bit of enthusiasm
Oh yeah, the kelp granules? Well if it tastes salty, it is salty. So use salt and hang the critics, as Wagner once said. It was him or me, anyway
If she has four buttocks, can you imagine how many chins she’s got?
Gawdelpus! Never say it!
If it makes you feel better, I’m turning into Ed Asner.
It doesn’t, but I do feel your pain. You’re not going bald, are you?
Push has finally met shove, my friend.
there are other ways.. yuck.
Believe me, I have tried them all. It was this or stomach stapling, and my staple’s a bit rusty, so….
How I missed your kale post is beyond me. Missing Pinterest’s obsession with Kale and Quinao and goddamned Paleo foods is impossible. Paleo-times just doesn’t strike me as the apex of human nutritional history. Wishing you luck, sister, and raising a glass to you.
Thank you. Yeah, the paleo thing. No cookies, no ice cream, no chocolate? That way madness lies if you ask me.
Apparently the fall of man occurred when we discovered milking cows.
Honestly, it’s all about the butter. Where would we be without the butter?
I am also pretty obsessed with cheese—as in, its history and the amazement of its existence as a sustaining factor for humanity. Freaking awesome. Paleo schmaleo.
I’m with you, my husband and I are starting to look like that picture you put in your post, which is hilarous I mussay. Good luck, and don’t give up your cocktails or your chocolate. you may go insane and kill someone, and that’s never good. I find that Chocolate Nips are a fat girls best friend, and they keep me away from the vending machine at work almost every day. 30 calories a piece!
I am so looking forward to again occupying my usual barstool. You have NO idea.
Don’t tell my husband that I told you about this, but last night he said he’s turning into a whale and wants me to help get him to the nearest river and drag him along until there’s enough water for him to swim freely and find his way back to the ocean. And I thought women were the ones who had unhealthy self images when it comes to weight. I thought I would die laughing. I just harpooned him to make him shut up. kidding. 🙂
Hideous. I’m always dieting. I went on Atkins and lost 9 lbs, and then got stuck. I hate the diet, but carbs are my megadownfall. I am not yet desperate enough for flaxseed and kale.
Pick up the book. It’s fascinating stuff. Atkins nearly killed me.
You can do it. Okay I’m just saying that to make you feel good. You’ll lose the weight when you find the proper combination that works. It seems you’ve invested a good bit of time and money into the researching of the perfect diet. Sit down, read over them, find what makes sense to you. Moderation, not panicing when the Big Hunger attacks and remembering all the self-image, self-love bullshit is there to mentally fondle the dieter into thinking that their way is the only way. Do it for you and the fact that ten years down the road someone will create the perfect cocktail for you. I’m behind you.
Do you really think I’ll have to wait TEN years for the perfect cocktail? Oh well, until then there’s a lot of research to be done. Thanks, Tom.
Ahhh yes the dreaded Kale. I do remember that post. Hope this works for you. If so I might try it myself as I too have 30lbs to lose and absolutely no willpower. In fact I think I have even increased my wine intake over the last couple of months, which I know is not helping!
This is not for the faint of heart and requires a fair amount of time at home, what with all the cooking and water consumption. It is my hope to return wine to my diet in the very near future.
I’m not liking this because I actually like flax seed or kale. Gross. You just go girl.
I regard this as a mere bump in the road that will ultimately lead me back to my rightful place: at the bar nibbling pretzels and chocolate. 😉
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