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Le Coq au Crock

Recipe: Crock Pot Chicken

Yeah, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

Over the years I’ve regularly come across recipes for roast chicken that call for bunging the whole bird into a crock pot and just letting it go for four or five hours, and although I find nothing to quibble with in terms of the labor involved (next to none), I have up to now shied away from this approach mostly on principal. To me, the crackly skin and pan drippings of an oven roasted bird are among its main attractions.

Also, most crock pot recipes rely on spice rubs for flavor, and I just can’t seem to go there. I know people love them and the food cognoscenti swear by them, but in my experience they disappoint, usually because they are overly salty, inedibly spicy or both. Three bites into the Moroccan lamb and I’m parched and coughing, leaving me with no alternative but to wash it all down with vast oceans of beer, which – in addition to being an integral part of the backyard grilling experience – is the only cure for the double header of excessive salinization and digestive conflagration. Trust me, no good can come of that.

It wasn't pretty. I blame the rub. Via http://www.celebitchy.com

Just ask the nice folks who invited us over for a barbecue last year and ended up having to help Mr. Slattern wrestle me into the car at three AM sobbing about the ’03 ALCS and ranting about “that-pussy-Alex-Rodriguez-and-his-asshole-buddy-Jeter.” Needless to say, we were not invited back and subsequent letters of apology were returned to sender. I suspect our hosts may have since left the state. I was also informed that a lesser man would have considered that behavior to be grounds. Point taken.

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What the hell are they smoking down there?

I’ll admit I have been known to troll for repulsive recipes. It’s kind of my dirty little secret, and unfortunately the internet has allowed me to discover things so far beyond the bounds of decency you would not believe it — let’s just say the odd 1950s cookbook and Elvis’s grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches are for pikers. Witness the following recipe for Crockpot Little Smokies (filed under “Southern Food”).

Ingredients:
2 packages cocktail wieners, little smokies
1 bottle (12 ounces) chili sauce
1 cup grape jelly

Preparation:
Combine cocktail wieners or little smokies in crockpot with chili sauce and grape jelly; cover and cook on LOW for 6 to 8 hours.

No, I am not making it up. Now listen, I know I’ve got some warm weather readers out there, and enquiring minds want to know. Is this for real?

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