Blog Archives

You can’t eat those things, can you, Thurston?

Candied violets are the Necco Wafers of the overbred.

~Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life

Grannie’s candied violets courtesy eG Forums.

What the hell is self-rising cake flour and, more importantly, where did I get it?

Recipe: Nigella’s Chocolate Cherry Cupcakes

Cupcakes gone blond

So today my shining light of a daughter turns 18, which makes me 97, or maybe it just feels that way. Anyhow, with such an auspicious occasion to mark, I wanted to find an appropriate treat to cap the festive birthday dinner — traditionally the birthday girl’s choice, and as always she’s requested mac and cheese with grilled asparagus on the side.

Allegedly purchased by me, but when?

I found this delightfully easy recipe for chocolate cherry cupcakes in Nigella’s Domestic Goddess book, and was congratulating myself on coming up with the perfect marriage of the adult (sour cherries, dark chocolate) and the childish (cupcakes) in an incredibly simple recipe (bonus!), when I noticed that it called for self-rising cake flour. Now, this item struck me as just a tad exotic to have on hand, but lo and behold after a bit of frantic rummaging I did find some in the dark recesses of the pantry. It is, to say the least, unusual to find exactly what I need on any given day; however, given my customary frame of mind during a trip to Fairway, it is not surprising that I have in stock things I can’t recall ever buying.

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What we have here is a failure to bake

Recipe: Lemon Ginger Pie

Anyone can't make pie. In the box.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I’ve heard it all before. You can’t make pie. It’s too hard. You just want to run out to the bakery and buy one instead.

Well listen up, you bunch of neurasthenic, crust-fearing maggots, I’m not here to make it easy on you or wipe your snotty noses. But since you are the biggest bunch of whiny, thumb-sitting kitchen monkeys I have ever personally laid eyes on, I see that I have no choice but to offer up the most dumbed-down, bare bones, easy-ass recipe known to man. Even a four year-old could make this, people. If it was any easier, it’d be on Semi-Homemade.

Warden Sandy courtesy US Weekly

So I don’t want to hear any lame excuses or scaredy-pants back-chat. This is remedial pie. If you can’t make this, you know where you’re going. No, not in the box. This ain’t no damned movie.

No, you fail to make this simple pie and I’ll have no choice but to turn you over to Warden Sandy for Kwanzaa cake duty. Now, you’re not gonna’ be a bunch of hard cases, are you?

(Recipe follows)

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Galloping through the inferno

I’ve been awfully busy of late, folks, but I wanted to let you know you are much on my mind. As soon as the Slattern’s Test Kitchen is back up and running and my eyebrows have filled in a bit more*, I’ll be right  back to sending out middling recipes especially suited for the lazy, the untalented and the indifferent. Until then, here’s a quick peek at my culinary role model, the one and only Galloping Gourmet, Graham Kerr, in his heyday — that is, before he went all vegan and stopped drinking and became uninteresting. A cautionary tale if ever I’ve heard one.

* Important safety tip: Save that sixth glass of wine until AFTER you’ve flamed the Crepes Suzette.

Pumpkin Roll: Check it out!

Check out the Spatula Goddess’s recipe for pumpkin roll. I grew up on jelly roll, and this is a fabulous tweak on it. For those of you who aren’t entirely comfortable with baking, the directions are really clear and the photos will be a big help. What a great company dessert! Roll it up! Nicely done, Goddess.

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