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Don’t desecrate your Thanksgiving bird


You haven’t by any chance come across that TV ad touting mayonnaise as a new way to produce moist and delicious roast turkey for Thanksgiving, have you? I’m not talking about the leftover turkey sandwich with mayo that is eaten from a nearly prone position on the sofa four or five hours after the main event. Oh no, in the ad I saw, Hellman’s mayonnaise was slathered all over a raw turkey before roasting. For a moment I was afraid it was some kind of flashback from those experimental college years. Then I thought it might be a new SNL short (remember the Bass-o-matic? – “That’s great bass!”). But further research indicates that the folks at Hellman’s are entirely serious about this godawful, revolting idea. Check out the video.

Because I know you don’t believe this is real, take a gander at the recipe.

  1. Preheat oven to 425°. Remove giblets from turkey cavities and rinse turkey inside and out; pat dry with paper towels. Season, if desired, with salt and freshly ground black pepper; set aside.  OK so far.
  2. Starting at neck opening, gently loosen skin on turkey and evenly spread 1/2 of the mayonnaise mixture under skin.  Mayo under the skin? Are you kidding me? OH ARGH GACK $%**!
  3. Arrange turkey, breast side up, in large shallow roasting pan with rack; rub remaining mayonnaise mixture over outside of turkey.  More mayonnaise? What?!? Have you lost your mind? Do they not have sherry or butter in your world? Why not just rub some Valvoline on the thing?
  4. Remove foil and continue roasting, about 1 hour, basting occasionally with pan juices.  Yum, mayo-flavored gravy!
  5. courtesy caulkischeap.

    Serve with hot Knorr® Roasted Turkey gravy.  Perfect. Finish it all off with a little powdered instant gravy from an envelope! What else makes sense? I guess since you can’t make real gravy by virtue of having ruined the perfectly good natural drippings from the huge bird you just roasted, you might as well just go with reconstituted turkey skin and salt. While you’re at it, why not serve Tang instead of wine!

I can’t even talk about what they want you to do to the broccoli and mashed potatoes.  In the words of Stephen King, “It became unspeakable.”

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