Image via curiousscience.com

There’s nothing like a good secret police interrogation. Or is there? Now, you’ve no doubt perused Vanity Fair’s Proust Questionnaire, and have probably enjoyed Heidi Ellis’s The Early Bird Catches the SPaM feature. In truth, there isn’t anything new about the interview-as-blog-post format, but what the hey, I’m going to do it anyway. So even if The Slattern’s Mind Probe is not entirely innovative as a concept, what it lacks in originality, it will certainly more than make up for in quality by giving you the chance to peek inside some of the most interesting and funny brains I’ve had the pleasure to encounter since first sending up this little emotional distress signal one year ago. 

My first guest is the fabulous Cristy Carrington Lewis, aka Miss Snarky Pants, my oldest blogging buddy and soulmate in snark. The Alt Mrs. Sedaris is a recovering lawyer and newbie vegan who writes one of the smartest, wickedest blogs this side of Hell. So let’s find out….

What’s really going on inside the mind of Cristy Carrington Lewis?

What’s your favorite dirty word, and why?
Fuck-a-doodle-doo. I’d like my voice to be the first thing people hear upon awakening.

Which kitchen utensil do you most resemble?
Okay, the kitchen is the room with the upright coffin, right?

You’re competing in the synchronized swimming event in the Olympics. Which song do you and your partner choose for your program?
Monty Python’s “I’m a Lumberjack.” Nothing goes together better than chlorine and axes. Imagine the plaid flannel bikinis.

If you could do away with one national holiday, which one would it be?
Easter. I heard they found the body.

Bikinis, thongs or granny panties?
When your ass is as big as mine, all panties eventually become thongs.

Complete the following sentence. If I were an exotic dancer, my stage name would be
Miss Snarky Pantsless.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
An Oscar Meyer weiner. An adult one.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever eaten?
Rocky Mountain Oysters

Then why did you eat it?
The bull paid extra.

Caption this photo.

This is what a world with no Roe v. Wade looks like.

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Interested in more self-revelatory shenanigans thinly disguised as blog awards? If your stomach can take it and your psyche is not too fragile by now, try these:

Tagged: Thank you, Sir. May I have another?
We don’t need no stinking Superbowl