Eat well. Drink more. Work less.
I am a kitchen slattern.
I stick my finger in the vinaigrette to check the taste, add more vinegar, then stick the same finger in again. Sometimes I use a lettuce leaf, but not usually. You know you do it, too.
I make cakes from scratch but almost never use more than one bowl. That business about blending wet and dry ingredients separately is bullshit. One cake, one bowl. Why wash two? I have my suspicions about the role of Big Dish Soap in this.
I believe you can eat well with a lot less effort than you think, and if you drink more than is generally considered advisable while doing it, that's strictly between you and Mssrs Moet and Chandon.
I believe that the extra pain, suffering and time it takes to do any household task well is wasted once you get to well enough.
I believe you might as well be drunk if you're going to vacuum, and you should be if you're going to clean the toilet.
If you're interested, I've got opinions on just about everything else.
I am a kitchen slattern, and if you hang around here long enough you might be, too.
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Kitchen Slattern (c) copyright 2011 Wendie Winslow. The Slattern Speaks (c) copyright 2012 Wendie Winslow. All rights reserved. No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted.
Because I said so, that's why.
Posted by WSW
Drooling, feeble-minded domestic goddesses take note
There is NOT more than one way to cut a melon.
If the latest missive from Martha to land in my inbox is any indication, the marketing gurus at Big Mama Stewart’s domestic juggernaut have located a new and potentially-lucrative market segment to
exploitenlighten. For those of you not on the mailing list, I’m referring to mentally-underpowered domestic engineers. Of course, one might assert that this demographic has long been Martha’s bread and butter, and further, that captivating the attention of dim bulbs with too much time on their hands is the foundation on which her housekeeping house of horrors is built. No argument from me.
In any case, by now you’re probably all agog to hear about the latest cross-selling initiative, and really, who am I to keep you in the dark? So without further ado (and now that that third martini has finally worked its magic on my cerebral cortex), here’s a summary of what Martha is currently flogging:
Martha Stewart’s top five videos for 2013
1. How to frost a cupcake
If you need help with this extremely challenging task, I suggest grabbing the first two-handed four-year-old you find and shoving a butter knife into his/her sticky little mitt. Watch and learn.
2. How to cut a melon
Are you kidding? No need for the preschooler, just get the knife — and stab yourself with it to be sure your nervous system is still functioning. Then cut the frickin’ cantaloupe already.
3. Bartending basics
This may be the most offensive video on offer, and I’ll tell you why. When I’m at the bar or hanging around the punchbowl, the last goddamned thing I want is a drink that was mixed during amateur hour. If you need a basics course, skip the video, strap on your helmet and pilot your Segway on over to your loser cousin’s house for a Partridge Family marathon where you can sip a festive glass of Gatorade and ginger instead of a properly made Sazerac. For your sins.
4. How to can and jam
Unless this is the first release in Martha’s new series of porn videos, I’m not interested. Actually, I’m not even interested then.
5. How to cut a mango
I’ll admit it, these can be a bit of a challenge, but here’s an easy solution: Go to the bodega and buy a container of cut-up mango. Then throw it in the blender with a fifth of vodka, rum, gin or similar. Congratulations, you now have a life worth living. Well done, Sweetie.
Well done, Sweetie!
Posted in Cocktails!, Commentary
Tags: Celebrity Homemakers, Cupcakes, Gatorade, Homemaking, Kitchen Slattern, Martha, Martha Stewart, Partridge Family, Slattern, Sweetie