Category Archives: Dinner
Carving and Cracking
Thomas Keller's roast chicken courtesy simplyrecipes.com. Do NOT try this at home.
I can’t carve a cooked bird to save my life. Even sober. Though let’s be honest I can’t even recall the last time I got to the carving stage with my feet in my shoes and my bra on the inside of my sweater. I start pretty well, but eventually am reduced to tearing away at the flesh with my fingers and flinging it on the platter so as to get it to the table while it’s still warm and the guests are still upright. Anyways, the always helpful Jamie Oliver has a video on his site demonstrating how to carve up a chicken and it looks so easy I may even try it again myself. By the way, that’s one of Jamie’s minions (presumably a relative) who carves up the bird. When I first cued it up I thought I’d opened that pesky time machine by mistake again.
Now, I was considering starting a video series myself, but then I was thinking maybe I don’t have any particular skills to demonstrate. That was until I clicked on Jamie’s video of how to prepare a cooked lobster, and let me tell you that is just wrong. As I may have mentioned, I grew up in Maine where lobster shells are used as teething rings, and if there’s one thing I’m really good at, it’s extracting every last shred of edible foodstuffs from a lobster. And I don’t need no stinking knife to do it either, Blondie. So stay tuned.
If you’re wondering how to choose a lobster (or any seafood for that matter), take a stroll through my archives.
Gratin facile (bien sur)
So simple even a dipsomaniac could make it.
Not terribly artful, but golden and delicious!
Over the course of my life I have met only one person who actively dislikes potato gratin; unfortunately it is my daughter. As a result, I generally reserve this dish for company or special occasions so as to avoid seeing it pushed away, untouched, with a moue of distaste. Of course it’s a mercy, too, as I could eat the stuff three meals a day, pausing only to check on my order upgrade at the Scooter Store or to mainline yet more Lipitor.
I mean really, it’s potatoes, cream and cheese. What’s not to like?
So as I was saying, over the years I’ve tried lots of different approaches, which have yielded mixed results. In truth there are as many recipes for this as there are cooks. But here’s mine, which is generally foolproof and requires the least amount of work and clean up of any recipe I have tried.
Beets: The uber tuber
Don’t waste your greens!
Went our for dinner and had a delicious beet salad last night, and I was reminded how much I love these little gems. Now, I know they’ve gotten a bad rap, but honestly I don’t know why. They’re sweet, but not too sweet, and they’re loaded with lots of healthy nutrients I can’t be bothered to look up the spelling of. You know, whatever it is you get from dark colored fruits and vegetables. So, I thought I’d take a mo and mention the mighty beet and offer a bit of advice on preparing them.
Quick note: There seems to be a mania for raw beets at the moment, but that is just wrong. If you want to shred ’em and eat ’em raw, that’s between you and your god. Personally I never would. Call me a conscientious objector on the issue.
So right off quick, set your oven to 425 degrees.
Take your beets and lop off the leaves, leaving about an inch of stem on each beet. If the greens are fresh, you can wash them and steam them. They are absolutely delicious with a pat of butter and a drizzle of red wine vinegar. If you’ve never tried the greens, do so immediately. Some say they’re the best part of the veg.
Semi homemade. Completely inedible.
It’s the death of fresh food.
I’m all about convenience and shortcuts: pie crust mix instead of scratch crust, poaching salmon in the microwave, screw top wine, what have you. As long as the food (or drink) is still tasty and relatively nutritious, I say go for the easy way, and I always do. So whenever possible in the kitchen I choose the path of least resistance, but we all have to draw the line somewhere, and for me Sandra Lee’s godawful lasagna – in addition to her entire oeuvre, empire and philosophy really – is the ne plus ultra of kitchen crimes. Why, you ask? What could be so bad? She seems like a nice enough gal and she’s apparently making money hand over fist with her…how shall I say…“approach” to cooking, largely I assume because of her shameless brand promotion McCormick*.
courtesy yumsugar.com (no i did not make that up)
OK, first: You cannot trust a skinny cook; they could not possibly eat what they’re flogging. Imagine Giada taking more than a token mouthful of fettuccini carbonara Olive Garden*or Sandra Lee hoovering up a big plate of her granny’s special lasagna Prince*. Hardly likely. Clearly Anthony Bourdain stays slim by virtue of his cigarette, cricket and iguana intensive diet, so he doesn’t count. Besides, everyone knows those intestinal parasites you pick up when you drop off the grid really speed up your digestion and make keeping the weight off a cinch. Anyways, I love him. And Padma, well you see her chew, but can you recall her ever swallowing? I’ll leave it at that.
So Sandra Lee has made millions of dollars flogging recipes like lasagna made with tomato soup Campbell’s*, cottage cheese no brand?!* and shredded mozzarella Sargento*. Check out the recipe if you don’t believe me.
Back so soon? Are you okay? I told you it was unbelievable. The food looks like something you’d see in the chow line at the women’s penitentiary, and let me tell you, you could not trade a cigarette for it let alone a bar of soap. It could also pass for the result of a brainstorming meeting at Taco Bell where they decided to branch out from Mexican into Italian while adhering to the same stringent quality standards their customers have come to expect, meaning of course, successful digestion of the product requires a third world gastro-intestinal tract, post apocalyptic colon fauna, and a complete absence of the gag reflex.
Guess who’s coming to dinner?
Cold poached salmon for emergencies. Or every day.
A friend of mine recently called in a panic. It seems her fiancé had run into an old girlfriend from whom he parted on amicable terms and had – wait for it now – invited her to have dinner. At their apartment!
Hey hon, guess who I ran into today?
Gentlemen, just in case you’re wondering what the problem is here, let me enlighten you: We may say this kind of situation is just fine, and occasionally we may even mean it (if your ex has gained 100 pounds or married George Clooney, though it’s probably too much to hope that she’s done both), but as a general rule it is not okay, especially if she (or he) is still single. If you must consort with former flames, at least have the decency to book an expensive restaurant and suggest that your life partner spend some quality time at Bloomingdales accompanied by your Visa and warmed by the glow of your effusive apologies and genuine remorse. Failing that, you’d best offer to cook or be willing to order takeout from 21 (think Grace Kelly in Rear Window).
courtesy doctormacro.com
As none of the above had gone down, I suggested the following to the soon-to-be Mrs. Deadbeat. “Turn that frown upside down and look upon it as an opportunity to shine.” Yeah, sure I did. What I really advised was to pull out the big guns: Manolos and a black dress, expensive wines and the easiest menu possible. Then I offered to let her borrow my big diamond earrings, the ones I got after Mr. Slattern invited HIS old flame to dinner many years ago – on a work night. It was then that I developed this life saver: cold poached salmon with yogurt dill sauce, and it worked a treat for my pal too.
Kitchen Slattern 