Welcome to My World

Martha Stewart makes my ass ache.

KS logo BWRThe craft projects, the centerpieces, the soul destroying detail — the designer chicken coops. Together with the unrelenting tastefulness of it all, they conspire to suck every bit of fun out of cooking and socializing.

Think about it. Would you enjoy having Martha over for a cup of coffee? Can you imagine sitting with her in a crappy bar and having an increasingly drunken debate about whether the Beatles are more important than the Stones (they are not), the best champagne for under $20 (Gruet) and whether it is realistic to expect your in-laws to leave after a week? (Not if they’re European.) Well neither could I.

So why are you looking for lifestyle advice from her and her ilk? I don’t know either.

OK, I’ll admit it. In the early 90s I bought a hot glue gun. Enthralled with the pristine spreads and glacially clear prose of Martha Stewart Living, I believed. Believed I could reupholster furniture in my miniscule city apartment, turn pipe fittings into works of art at the dining table, and whip up elegant four course dinners for ten, sober and in a galley kitchen that barely accommodated my own ass. All of this and more – much, MUCH more – I believed I could do with a job, a husband, a mortgage and eventually a child, without losing my mind. I wasn’t laughing then, but I am now.

I’m laughing because I’m slightly drunk. I often am. But I’m also laughing because I am free, free from the tyranny of rigid perfectionism; I have embraced my inner slattern. By that I mean I have found the easy way to do anything that needs doing around the house, and whenever possible with a drink in my hand. With far less effort and anxiety, my parties are more fun, my husband is still around, my child is alive and reasonably healthy, and that fucking hot glue gun is buried in a landfill somewhere.

I don’t have to endure Rachel Ray or Emeril or that emaciated blond chick who makes lasagne with tomato soup. Gone are the days of being mesmerized by Nigella and Giada and Ina. I am a boozy floozy with a bad attitude and have become infinitely happier – and more productive – for lowering both my expectations and my horizons.

So why not throw off your shackles and give the slatternly approach a try?

Party over here!

* * * * * * *

Kitchen Slattern is a writer, hausfrau and mother who lives in Brooklyn, New York and tries to spend as little time as possible at the stove, preferring to devote her leisure time to Scrabble, socializing and the Boston Red Sox. Her husband and daughter are very, very patient.

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Kitchen Slattern (c) copyright 2011 Wendie Winslow.  All rights reserved. No reproduction in any medium without prior written consent of the author is permitted.

  1. I don’t think you take awards, but I’m sending you a ‘valentine’ tomorrow.

  2. Hello! I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award when I received my award today. Here is a link to my page with the instructions should you accept. I have very much enjoyed reading your posts and they have made me laugh at work when I am supposed to be working. :) Here is a link to my page with the rules of acceptance:
    http://beadstork.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    • So here’s my question: Did one of your patients snap that photo of you while she was in the stirrups or did you just make it look that way? I don’t know which option is more genius.

      THANK YOU so very much for this lovely award! I actually got two in the same day, not to brag or anything, but…oh what the hell, yeah I got it twice in the same day muthaf**s!

      Mostly I’m glad to have found your site. It is very very funny, and I am now a committed follower.

  3. So I have a rum and coke in my hand and a muscle relaxer in my system. And i just found your blog- the night just keeps getting better. Good stuff

  4. I had to stop by and say hello to a fellow Red Sox fan and I’m glad I did. Just found out you are living in NY, deep in the heart of Yankees territory, a feat not for the faint hearted Sox fan!

    • I’ve got a Sox sticker on a car with New York plates. It helps when I’m back in Maine — a little. You’ve got to ride with pride. How did a Sox fan get so far down under? So glad you stopped by. Love your site.

      • Thanks W – have a son who plays baseball and have been into it since. Took our first pilgrimage to Fenway last year – loved it, sat in a box along the first base line! We adopted the Sox as our team at the same time as we adopted Curt Schilling’s bloody sock.

  5. Just wanted to drop you a quick “thank you” for stopping by and liking a recent post on my blog. Now… here it is over an hour later and I’m still here! I grabbed myself a Cayman Jack Margarita and settled in to enjoy a sampling of your work. I’m sure you hear it all the time but I have to say your blog is fabulous! I’m looking forward to reading more. Thanks again for the “like”. ~Cheers~

    • From one Wendie to another (Wendy), thank you so much for stopping in — and bringing your own refreshments. Now that’s a good guest. Love your site — so glad I found it today!

  6. Thank you for coming by Jack Straw Lane today because if not I would have missed out. Your ‘Welcome to My World’ is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks! You’ve got a fan.

  7. Tag, You’re it! Come see what mess I’ve gotten you in. Love, Vickie

  8. You’re hilarious, I love your style, therefore I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award.

    http://themisfitbaker.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/the-versatile-blogger-award/

    • Thank you so much! It’s a compliment indeed coming from you, a real baker with such a complete and excellent site. It is absolutely the first place I go for virtuous, blameless treat recipes. You are a peach.

  9. love this! and, your “welcome to my world” section of your blog is absolutely fantastic!! can’t wait to read more! :)

  10. Very funny lady!!! Love that you don’t make any apologies for what you enjoy and how you get there!!! I on the other hand am a food nut, but I love reading about other peoples kitchen antics :)

  11. You, ma’am, are hilarious. I’m so happy you popped up on FP today!

    Martha Stewart chaps my ass too,

    Meghan

  12. I love this Wendy!!! I have a recipe or 2 I need you to find Grammies Baked Beans and also Creamed Peas!!

    Your Cousin D

    • I have an approximation of Grammie Sue’s baked beans here. As for creamed peas….not sure I can help you there as I generally maintain a firm “no creamed veg” policy. If you’re talking about the peas Grammie used to serve in summer, all you do is buy some fresh ones, sit around for about six hours shelling them (Grandpa’s job if you recall — a Sox game helps pass the time), boil them up, melt some butter on them, pour over cream then heap them on top of some mashed spuds. Yeah, THAT’s why they were so good.

      Welcome to the monkey house, cuz. Nice to see a familiar face!

  13. oh shite! love you! love this blog!

  14. OMG the first blog about cooking (or not) that I actually want to read….and I don’t really ever want to read about cooking (or not cooking). Unless it’s a note from my husband saying that he’s gonna cook tonight.

    You are SO in for the Vegas trip. There’s probably a kitchen in the super-deluxe penthouse suite, so maybe you could whip up some guac? I’ll fly over to Walgreen’s for chips and tequila.

    I’m following you now, and promise to never chime in with my thoughts on your thoughts on cooking (or not).
    =)

    • I wouldn’t go so far as to say I enjoy cooking; rather, out of necessity I have become fairly competent. When I travel, the only thing I make is reservations, but if the odd omelette is the price of the Vegas trip, I am in.

      Thanks for the visit. It’s always good to have another Gemini around. Love your site.

  15. I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. You can see it at http://dyingbraincells.wordpress.com/ (Sorry, I’ve always been a sucker for chain letters.) Vickie

    • Ladies, even if the Patriots stomp the ever living slop out of the Giants today, this will still be the absolute best thing that happens to me all week. Coming as it does from writers of your skill and insight, it is rare praise of the best kind. I have become a habitue of both of your sites, and I am so impressed with your deft blending of humor and sentiment (without stickiness). Thank you so much for taking the time and thinking of me. I will certainly chain it forward.

  16. Debra Colby-Conklin

    Who’s Martha Stewart? I remember reading about some chick with that same name who went to jail and spent a bunch of months there because she was a big ol’ thief. Pretty sure I wouldn’t be taking household tips from someone who doesn’t even know how to rob the cookie jar without getting caught. How’s she gonna know how to make the cookies right?

    Anyway…fun blog.

  17. Thanks for liking my recent post on Korean drinks :) It led me to you blog and I have to say, I’m quite enjoying it! Love how you clean, will have to try that :) Cheers, Cindy

    • You’ll be amazed how much more bearable it becomes. Of course the quality of the work is not what it should be, but life is full of compromise. Thanks for stopping in! Loved the drinks post!

  18. Love your blog. I’ve taken the same approach to life and entertaining – simplifying to the point that the crock pot and the corkscrew are now my two favorite kitchen tools. I also microwave my bacon and I like it better that way. So there, I said it. Martha Stewart is the devil. I mean it. I’m sure there is someone who shared a cell with her who can testify that there’s a little 666 inscribed somewhere under those bleached roots. Anyway, keep it up. You’re hysterical!

    • You are too kind. I mean really, way too kind. Many thanks for stopping by the little kitchen shed I call a blog. There is no shame in nuking bacon; the only people who say there is don’t have to clean up after themselves. Love your site as well — you are fearless, funny and absolutely on the money.

  19. Thanks for liking my latest post. Just so you know, you’re one of the 3 I didn’t get round to nominating tonight for the Versatile Blogger Awards – I had a bottle of Cabernet beckoning me and got tired of thinking of witty things to say about them all. Plus I got embroiled in semi-flirtatious banter with one of the Young Men. I’ll resume operations tomorrow or soon after with my final nominations!

    • Merci. No worries. I still can’t quite figure out how the Versatile Blogger thing works anyway. And as I am about to embark on my journey to dinner via the Malbec highway, it may be some little time before I get back to the blog. Happy bantering!

  20. So that’s the secret to cleaning the bathroom! I’ve got a nice Rioja lined up for tonight, so we’ll see if your top tip works – something has to incentivise me to get up those stairs and deal with the smallest and nastiest room!

    • I like vodka for the ugly tasks especially at close quarters (like bathroom cleaning), but if you can get by on a nice Spanish red you’re a better woman than I am. Thanks for visiting! Love your site.

  21. …and, the Commander is on the mound tonight. Gird your loin AL East!

  22. this is the best thing since relish – relish! shame about the Red Sox.

  23. That thing about the vinegar, exactly! And the thing about vacuuming, even more so! Let me know if this gives you a pingback. (this is Robin, btw)

  1. Pingback: Dearly Beloved: Will the Real Liebster Please Stand Up? or, The Valentines of Blogging « The Life of Kylie

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