Visual literacy, or how to tell if that guy in the next office is going to drive you out of your mind before he ever opens his mouth
Unless your photocopier is broken or you run a tanning salon, you probably won’t encounter this guy, but just in case you do…
You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but it doesn’t take much more than a glance to get a good idea what the story’s all about. And so it is with new acquaintances, both social and professional. I find that being able to get a quick handle on new people is an extremely useful skill, as it helps you avoid the undesirable, the annoying and the certifiable before they can stake a claim on your time, your attention or your guest room.
Does my tendency to take others at face value make me a bad person? Nah, shallow maybe, but not bad. What it does make me is a happier person – one who rarely has to duck a neighbor, hide behind a newspaper in the employee cafeteria, or make good on a threat to file a restraining order, though of course that misunderstanding with Anthony Bourdain did involve an order of protection…sadly, not on my behalf, but we’re well past all that now. At least I am. I’m not so sure about Tony.
Anyways, for those of you who are not familiar with the more common hallmarks of the crazy and/or obnoxious and what they communicate, here’s a little primer on how to pick out some of the most easily recognized signifiers that say, “back away now while you still can.” An ounce of prevention, as they say, is worth a pound of Tums.
via wikimedia.org
Blond Dreads
“I hate my parents almost as much as I resent my trust fund. Sooner or later I’ll hate you, too.”
*
via Wikimedia.org
Birkenstocks
“High heels reduce women to sex objects. I refuse to be objectified.”
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via wikimedia.org
French Manicure
“How’m I suppostah know wheah ya’ check is?
I’ll ax Mistah Nussbaum when he gets back, ahright?”
*
Courtesy youjustmademylist.com
Scraggly, Bald Ponytail
“I still got it, baby. You want some?”
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Courtesy zimbio.com
Adult GRRanimals
“My wife dresses me (so I behave like an adolescent).”
*
Courtesy mashable.com
Hideous, Inappropriate Footwear
“I dress myself (and I just made ten trillion dollars off an idea I stole).”
Posted on May 31, 2012, in Friendly Advice, The Slattern Speaks and tagged Anthony Bourdain, dreadlocks, Humor, restraining order, The Situation, work life balance. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.
Kitchen Slattern 
I used to have a ponytail. Thanks the Lord I cut the bastard off. Age mellows and matures the mind. But I’m no old fart. Right now I’m wearing a Family Guy T shirt. I’m down with the kids, oh yes.
But are the kids down with YOU? That is the question.
Love the guy in cargo shorts and mandals. We could probably add a couple of others like guy wearing crocks and plunging V-neck. Your stuff is really funny. I am glad Cristy sent me your way.
Thanks Simon! Delighted you could look in and that I found your site as well. Good stuff!
Did you forget the “soul patch?” That requires a really special level of I’m-a-hippie-but-I-still-like-my-designer-shit-and-what’s-wrong-with-my-blonde-dreads-and-bongo-drums-you-bitch! I think I’d be impressed if a guy just left a random patch of hair somewhere on his cheek, but right under the bottom lip makes him look like he things that a beret and sunglasses will turn him into one of the Beat poets.
I like to think of those as dweeb knobs.
You forgot me, the mid-sixties guy who has hair down to his shoulders and likes to tell people who mention it it’s a reaction to a haircut he got in his teens. I know, lame.
As long as you avoid the ponytail. If it ever comes to losing your follicles, boldly bald is the way to go.
Ewww… I think it’s kind of funny that we all seem to be so repulsed by the ponytail guy. WTH are those guys thinking?!?
I believe they’re thinking, “This ponytail camouflages my baldness. No one will ever notice I’ve lost my hair.”
I’ve often wondered what the reaction would if I were to take scissors, or a knife, and slice those scraggly ponytails off, but I’m too soft to spend a night in jail.
You could just verbally whack it off by saying, “The ponytail thing — it’s OVER.”
The expression about not judging a book by its cover is from a time when all cover were the same.
The truth is that when you see a person tattooed, spiked, studded, pierced and what ever else and they say judge me for who I am: that’s who they are. (period)
Why do they want us to believe there is another you.
Great post! The beast in me has awakened.
Thank you! Always happy to awaken a beast.
Ah, beast sleepy.
Have you ever sneaked up behind one of those baldy ponytail guys with scissors?
Tempting. Very very tempting.