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Don’t desecrate your Thanksgiving bird
courtesy recipelion.com
You haven’t by any chance come across that TV ad touting mayonnaise as a new way to produce moist and delicious roast turkey for Thanksgiving, have you? I’m not talking about the leftover turkey sandwich with mayo that is eaten from a nearly prone position on the sofa four or five hours after the main event. Oh no, in the ad I saw, Hellman’s mayonnaise was slathered all over a raw turkey before roasting. For a moment I was afraid it was some kind of flashback from those experimental college years. Then I thought it might be a new SNL short (remember the Bass-o-matic? – “That’s great bass!”). But further research indicates that the folks at Hellman’s are entirely serious about this godawful, revolting idea. Check out the video.
Because I know you don’t believe this is real, take a gander at the recipe.
- Preheat oven to 425°. Remove giblets from turkey cavities and rinse turkey inside and out; pat dry with paper towels. Season, if desired, with salt and freshly ground black pepper; set aside. OK so far.
- Starting at neck opening, gently loosen skin on turkey and evenly spread 1/2 of the mayonnaise mixture under skin. Mayo under the skin? Are you kidding me? OH ARGH GACK $%**!
- Arrange turkey, breast side up, in large shallow roasting pan with rack; rub remaining mayonnaise mixture over outside of turkey. More mayonnaise? What?!? Have you lost your mind? Do they not have sherry or butter in your world? Why not just rub some Valvoline on the thing?
- Remove foil and continue roasting, about 1 hour, basting occasionally with pan juices. Yum, mayo-flavored gravy!
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courtesy caulkischeap. wordpress.com
Serve with hot Knorr® Roasted Turkey gravy. Perfect. Finish it all off with a little powdered instant gravy from an envelope! What else makes sense? I guess since you can’t make real gravy by virtue of having ruined the perfectly good natural drippings from the huge bird you just roasted, you might as well just go with reconstituted turkey skin and salt. While you’re at it, why not serve Tang instead of wine!
I can’t even talk about what they want you to do to the broccoli and mashed potatoes. In the words of Stephen King, “It became unspeakable.”
Get warm with Easy Fish Stew
Why ruin a beautiful afternoon with prolonged dinner prep?
You know how it is, some nights you just cannot get it up for making dinner. It happens to everyone eventually. As apathy turns to desperation, you frantically flip through usually reliable triggers of culinary desire – The Naked Chef, Nigella Bites, The 60 Minute Gourmet – all to no avail. Nothing but nothing, not photos of plump pink shrimp glistening with teriyaki or video of Daisy Martinez expertly deboning a chicken or even the excitement of Anthony Bourdain filling in for Tom Colicchio, can get you in the mood to sauté, braise or fry no matter how hot your family is for a decent meal. You don’t want to cook; you want to want to cook, but it is just not happening. What to do, what to do?
Hey Hey Hey, Mateus Rosé!
I just love pink wine, and recently I was touting one or another of my favorites to a friend, who replied, a bit sniffily, that he found pink wine completely disgusting and was horrified – though not surprised – that I’d stoop to swilling such, well, swill. Long story short, it turns out he mistakenly assumed I was flogging White Zinfandel, a Ripple-like potable that is much favored by the older set, by which I mean people far more advanced in years than myself who, in addition to actually drinking the stuff, also use it to lube their wheelchairs, soak their dentures and fill their catheter bags. I am told it’s a big favorite on the early bird special menu in certain, warmer climes.
Nothing slurs “party” like a fine rum punch
Now that you’ve ordered that sleek ultra-modern punch bowl (or have managed to sneak Aunt Pearl’s out in your handbag) and are starting to draw up the list of invitees to your upcoming binge, you’re probably wondering what to fill the bowl with to ensure that everyone has an unforgettable evening, and by that I mean hazy recollections of behavior so egregious, untoward and shame inducing that they will never, ever be able to purge them from memory no matter how hard they try. I’m talking real long term counseling issues here. That’s the mark of a great party.
Well put down that bartender guide and toss off any thoughts of lemonade, ginger ale and whiskey with a big blob of lime sherbert floating in the middle. This concoction, sans hooch, was a favorite at family affairs of my youth, and let me tell you, it has taken years of talk therapy, pillow punching and psych meds – at times administered in a residential setting – to deal with that trauma, not to mention the lingering insulin flashbacks. But happily, here I am on the sunny side of wellness, ready to help you fill your holiday punch bowl with a real crowd pleaser: yup, rum punch. Read the rest of this entry
Here come the holidays! Time to dust off your punch bowl.
The gold standard for party success
For those of us who don’t have working fireplaces, the punch bowl is the friendly center of the holiday party. Here happy – and happier and happier – guests cluster while sipping festively colored punch from cute little cups, discussing the events of the day and generally getting acquainted before they eventually, and inevitably, hijack the iPod to play I Want Your Sex on an endless loop while groping their new found friends. Nothing spells party success like guests dancing on the table, vomiting into the rubber plant or warbling along with George Michael into the half-peeled cucumber ends they fished out of the garbage can. And for that, there’s nothing like a quart or so of inhibition-busting rocket fuel in the form of fruit-flavored strong drink freely ladled from a large bowl.
Kitchen Slattern 