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And the winner is….

ME!

So the lovely and erudite Tall Woman, aka Cristy Carrington Lewis, has seen fit to bestow upon me a coveted 7×7 Link Award. Though I am hardly worthy – well actually I’m hardly sober, but let’s not split hairs – I am thrilled to be in such eminent company. As this is a pay-it-forward type of thing, as opposed to a big check or heavy statuette type of thing, I have some work to do. Hang on. No check, no prize, homework? Well, I’m only in it for the glory anyway, so here goes.

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You don’t make your SAUCE?

Marinara for WASPs

UH OH! It’s the ethnic food of my youth.

My little corner of the Big Apple — Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn — is actually a small Sicilian village, and many of my neighbors still live in the same brownstones their grandparents bought way back when the waterfront still worked and the streetcars still ran. Despite the hungry gut of gentrification (of which I admit I am part), many of the original Italian bakeries, butchers and delis still stand, providing top drawer, old world specialties, such as homemade mozzarella, sausages and pasta with all the fixings, to old-timers and newcomers alike with imperturbable good humor, or at least without yelling at you, which is about as good as it gets on any given day in New York.

So even after being in Brooklyn for generations, many of my neighbors still consider themselves equal parts Italian and American. And Lord, can they cook. It is truly one of life’s singular pleasures to sit around a big table at the holidays, consuming course after course, liberally washed down with gallons of Sangiovese as the conversation escalates (I like to think of it as participatory listening), arguments break out and people randomly burst into song.

I cannot, however, claim any such history, as upon arrival my people were too busy burning witches and edifying their souls with gruel and woolen underwear to build much in the way of a culinary tradition in this country, unless you count boiled meats and mushy vegetables of course.

All this is by way of sharing my recipe for red sauce with you. It’s not complicated or fancy, and had I not opted to cut way back on salt recently, I probably would never have bothered. Caputo’s deli makes a marinara to die for, but it doesn’t meet Mr. Slattern’s zero salt requirement, so it’s generally off the menu. Their fresh pasta and homemade mozzarella, however, are long-time staples of the weekly meal plan.

Now years back, I was entertaining some of the moms from my daughter’s primary school and happened to be baking beans at the time. The ladies were quite amazed that this could be done in the home, but were not generally enthusiastic about the finished product. A cultural difference one might say. They were equally incredulous when they spied the jars of readymade Classico spaghetti sauce in my cupboard, but we soldiered on and the afternoon passed merrily enough, as it will when five women cluster around a kitchen table while consuming as many bottles of wine.

Several days later I happened to be at the market with one of the gals and inquired as to her recipe for sauce (or gravy as it’s frequently called over this way). Prepared as I was to hear a long involved recitation involving plum tomatoes harvested by the light of a three-quarter moon, garlic minced just so and a list of herbs as long as my arm, I was a bit nonplussed to receive the following.

The purist’s choice

“You see those tomatoes, there? Pastene kitchen ready – the only kind I use. Take two cans and put them in the pot. Add two bay leaves and cook it for about three hours.”

I waited. And waited. “That’s it?! Two cans of tomatoes and some bay leaves, and you dissed my sauce in the jar?” As I said, cultural differences.

Anyway, I’ve come around to the belief that homemade marinara is best, and since it freezes well, why wouldn’t you make a big batch and save half of it for later? My recipe is scarcely more complicated than the aforementioned “authentic” version, but I think it’s a bit more interesting.

All Purpose Red Sauce

Sauté in olive oil until about half cooked:

  • 1 large onion, chopped
  • Any other vegetables you care to throw in (or none if you don’t), adding them in this order: carrots (oh yes, delicious), bell peppers, mushrooms, summer squash/zucchini

Add:

  • 1 box Pomi chopped tomatoes (the only kind I use)
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 2 to 3 cloves minced garlic (I don’t like to sauté garlic generally. I think it holds more flavor when added later.)
  • pinch red pepper (optional – if you like the zing)
  • Salt and pepper to taste

Simmer for 30 minutes or so, or until the vegetables are cooked as much as you like.

Drizzle with a little olive oil and chopped fresh basil. I often add a knob of butter (a tablespoon or so) at this point as I think it gives the sauce a nice mellow flavor.

Now you can cook meatballs in this, and one of these days I’m going to dig out my recipe for Mrs. Q’s Irish meatballs and share it. But for now, you can use this straight up, add Italian sausages, or throw in some chopped up fresh mozzarella.

That wasn’t hard at all, was it?

Mangia!

What the hell are they smoking down there?

I’ll admit I have been known to troll for repulsive recipes. It’s kind of my dirty little secret, and unfortunately the internet has allowed me to discover things so far beyond the bounds of decency you would not believe it — let’s just say the odd 1950s cookbook and Elvis’s grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches are for pikers. Witness the following recipe for Crockpot Little Smokies (filed under “Southern Food”).

Ingredients:
2 packages cocktail wieners, little smokies
1 bottle (12 ounces) chili sauce
1 cup grape jelly

Preparation:
Combine cocktail wieners or little smokies in crockpot with chili sauce and grape jelly; cover and cook on LOW for 6 to 8 hours.

No, I am not making it up. Now listen, I know I’ve got some warm weather readers out there, and enquiring minds want to know. Is this for real?

Converting Temperatures

The Idiot’s Slattern’s Guide to Coping with Centigrade

Good news for modern man!

So this morning I was thumbing through the Good Book, the oracle of all knowledge and wisdom, the fountain of inspiration for Western man. I’m talking, of course, about Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child and those two French broads who don’t really count except as back up. Gladys Knight had her Pips, Diana had Flo and Mary, and the great Julia Child had Simone and Louisette, at least until volume two when Louisette quit the band (“creative differences” one supposes). Of course after that it was just a matter of time before JC went solo and the rest, as they say, is culinary history.

Before we talk temperature, a word about the queen. If you want to learn to cook properly, buy both volumes of her book. They are available in paperback or you can choose from an endless supply of used ones on AbeBooks. The writing is clear, the terms are explained and the content is pleasingly antiquated — folding brains into sauces, making cold beef in aspic, the content of quenelles (you don’t want to know). But above all the voice of Mrs. Child comes through strong and clear, and as you read, you hear her ringing, off-kilter delivery in every sentence, phrase, and mot. Food for the body and the soul. You can also dip into her TV show on YouTube.

Doesn’t that make you feel good? I’ll bet you weren’t making your omelette correctly, were you?

Anyways, as I said, I was grazing in Julia’s fields of gold this morning and ran across her instructions for converting temperatures. Now, I know it’s the computer age and we can all just Google up a conversion chart, but come the rapture, I suspect the web will be among the first things to go down. Of course, you’ll still be wanting to convert the odd temperature, especially if the Germans come out on top (and it appears they may well), and we’re all finally force-marched into the metric system. So here’s how:

Fahrenheit to Centigrade
Subtract 32 — Multiply by 5 — Divide by 9.
350 F:  350 – 32=318.  318 x 5=1590.  1590/9=176.67 (call it 175 C) 

Centigrade to Fahrenheit
Multiply by 9 — Divide by 5 — Add 32.
100 C: 100 x 9=900.  900/5= 180.  180+32=212 F (call it 200).

Coincidentally 100 C and 212 F are the temperatures at which water boils. So now you have also learned to boil water! This is the beauty of the Child approach.

Now, you’re on your own when it comes to that British Gas Mark business, though I think it’s based on shillings and crowns. If I ever figure out the difference between centigrade and Celsius, you’ll be the first to know.

No Pudge my fat white a**s

Mystifying

I think by now we have all dispensed with the notion that “fat free” foods have any value at all as a weight control vehicle. They don’t taste good, inevitably fail to satisfy, lead to over eating, and when purchased as processed foods contain substances better suited to house cleaning than eating. And you know how I feel about cleaning.

Still, there are times when we want a little something, so we whip up a batch of brownies, or cookies, or a full size jelly roll with whipped cream, chocolate ganache and sour cherry jam, then proceed to consume not one portion, but the lion’s share, if not the entire thing. A la mode. Admit it. It’s the first step to recovery, or so I am told.

This is why there’s a place for the single serving sweet, if only we could find one that satisfies. Imagine: you nuke it up, consume it standing over the sink, throw the dish in dishwasher and are able to immediately back away from the kitchen, smug in your self-control and secure in the knowledge that this will be worked off as soon as you start using that very expensive gym membership you bought last year. (Some say that just having the membership burns the odd calorie, but I have so far been unable to prove that, try as I might.)

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