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Holiday Greetings from the Slattern Family!
courtesy Red Pepper Retro
Well it’s been another amazing year in the Slattern household, and as we prepare to welcome Christmas and ring in the New Year, I wanted to bring all our friends up to date with our many merry mix-ups and crazy goings-on.
As some of you may have heard, this year was a tad challenging, owing to Grandma’s conviction in April. Thankfully it was just “time served” and then home with the little ankle bracelet, which is no trouble at all. In fact, we love knowing where she is at all times! Then there was the unfortunate incident with Uncle Fred and his neighbor’s leaf blower over Columbus Day weekend. (Now that the sores have healed, Mr. Evans is a new man!) And finally there was some slight unpleasantness with the IRS, which I’m pleased to report is finally all sorted out. After eight hours in a tiny, overheated office with Mr. Slattern and myself, the nice agent told us we were free to go as long as we took the Pod with all our paperwork in it, Uncle Fred’s flowcharts and Uncle Fred himself with us. No tax fraud, just a misunderstanding after all! Read the rest of this entry
Stop! Stop! No really, please make it stop. I’m begging you.
courtesy huffingtonpost.com
Recently a friend said to me, in a purely constructive way, “Gee, Kitchen Slattern, I think maybe you were a little rough on Nadia G.” As you may recall I described this TV cook as the unholy spawn of an unnatural union between Pee Wee Herman and Snookie, and I’ll admit it’s pretty unvarnished as criticism goes. Upon further consideration, I might more correctly have said she’s like the unholy spawn of an unnatural union between Pee Wee Herman and Snookie with oven mitts. In any case, I took the suggestion in the spirit it was intended – entirely constructive as I said – and had another look at Nadia G., and let me tell you, once my ears stopped bleeding and my appetite returned, I concluded that not only had I been right in the first place, but I don’t think my initial evaluation went far enough, as it did nothing to prevent the creation and marketing of Nadia G’s Christmas video. Honestly, I’ve had acid flashbacks that were more coherent, better choreographed and far less unpleasant than watching this. In hindsight, I do wish I hadn’t shot out the TV, but we all have our Elvis moments, and once you see this video, you’ll know why.
“It’s Christmastime. Stop, stop, rewind.” It’s for charity, so show her “your ding ding ding dong.”
Once you’ve seen and heard this, I defy you to get it out of your head without ECT. You can call me for Dr Feelgood Feldman’s number if need be. I feel your pain.
Nuts and bolts, or Chex Party Mix done right
"This Chex Mix is makin' me THIRSTY."
Every family has its Christmas traditions – Rice Crispy treats with red and green sprinkles, Aunt Edna’s fruitcake, sugar cookies shaped like Santa, hot whiskey to take the edge off Christmas morning, festive drives up to Sing Sing to smuggle bring Uncle Mike some holiday cheer, what have you. In my family, Christmas just ain’t Christmas without Grandma Pierce’s nuts and bolts, a riff on Chex Party Mix that takes cocktail snacks to a whole other level.
I have served this at every holiday party I have ever thrown and, let me tell you, it is a proven winner, a real crowd pleaser. Why? It’s crunchy, salty and spicy, which guarantees your party guests will stay good and thirsty and that, my friends, is the key to party success.
Oh holy crap, here it comes again.
How ’bout a little Hot Tub Christmas?
Having reached the age of consent, do we love the holiday season in the same way we did as kids? I think it is fair to say that no, no we do not. Among my nearest and dearest, there are some notable exceptions – adults who throw themselves into the holidays with reckless abandon, festooning entire houses (indoors AND out), shopping till all hours, sending hundreds of festive holiday cards, baking, cooking and generally making merry until they crumble into an exhausted, disoriented heap on December 24th, sucking their thumbs, weeping openly and calling for the gin bottle. God bless ‘em.
I’m just wondering: Have you noticed that the holidays seem to start up again about fifteen minutes after you get the decorations down and the taxes paid? How is that possible? Why don’t we just leave the lights up all year and start Christmas shopping for 2012 NOW?
I’m not going to say I hate Christmas, because then I would be on record as hating every single holiday of the year, and that’s not much fun. I will say that each year I find it a little tougher to get my groove on come December, but groove we must, if only for the sake of the children. One way I’ve found to get things going is to knock back a little high-octane eggnog, dust off my Christmas playlist and rock around the Christmas tree a time or two. Generally this is enough to get me to the trough, so the speak, and from there the drinking’s the easy part.
So ladle up some punch and let’s do this thing.
Christmas Party Mix
- Santa Claus is Back in Town, Elvis — I always kick things off with this one. Honky tonk heaven.
- The Chanukah Song, Adam Sandler — We’re ecumenical.
- Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Dean Martin — Gives me a nicotine fit just listening to it.
- Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt — Catwoman sings Christmas or no one does.
- Baby Please Come Home, U2 — I love Bono even more when he begs.
- Baby Please Come Home, Darlene Love — The song so nice we play it twice.
- Blue Christmas, Elvis — A bit of a downer, but you’ve got to do it.
- The Chipmunk Song, Alvin and the boys — Oh yes, I do.
- You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch, Thurl Ravens — Sing along. I dare you.
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Johnny John Cougar Mellencamp – what the hell is that guy’s name anyway?
- Little Drummer Boy, Bowie and Bing — Kind of a drag, but it seriously redefines the notion of getting your freak on, no?
- Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano — You know you love it.
- Father Christmas, The Kinks — A little subversion with your Christmas pudding? Yes, please!
- Run Rudolph Run, Chuck Berry — I defy you not to be dancing by the second bar.
- Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight), The Ramones — Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should, but that’s what the holidays are all about, n’est-ce pas?
- What Christmas Means to Me, Stevie Wonder — What’s a party without Stevie? A trip to your inlaws’. That’s what.
- Jingle Bell Rock, Bobby Helms — A must.
- Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and Merry Christmas Baby, Bruce Springsteen — For those of us who remember when he was the only guy on the radio who actually played an instrument, he gets two.
- Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee — Because my mom says so.
What have I left out? Suggestions welcome, but please bear in mind I have a firm NO BEACH BOYS policy, so don’t even bother with that shite.
Have you made your fruitcake yet?
courtesy blisstree.com
Aw come on, don’t be a lemming, a follower, a “me too” person. Give it a try! Despite the bad press, and it is legion I know, fruitcake is delicious and I’m not ashamed to say so. Now, here’s the thing: a good, brandy soaked fruitcake is actually a very adult treat, and this is why, in my opinion, it’s been so maligned over the years – a lot of bad PR from the under twelve set.
I was not always a believer, but a friend of mine from Down Under changed my mind forever when she brought a fruitcake as a hostess gift during a summer vacation in Maine. I know, I know – fruitcake in summer?!?! It was absolutely delicious and completely appropriate. I ate half of it myself and have been hooked ever since.
Kitchen Slattern 