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Ready or Not, Here It Comes!
Fill the larder and provision the pantry. Christmas is almost here and Hanukkah is already upon us. I’m assuming Kwanzaa is lurking out there as well, but have never been entirely clear on the dates for that. With all that peace, joy and love in the offing, as well as lots of holiday house guests preparing to infest your already Christmas-crap filled home, I thought this would be a good time to share some of the insights, tricks and tips I’ve gathered over the years to make your holidays as fun-filled and festive as my own.
G’night John Boy. Merry Christmas, Mama!
Just kidding. Here’s the real story:
- Abandon hope. Do not expect the next ten days to be anything other than one long series of agonizing scenes punctuated by screaming arguments, uncomfortable silences, outrageous behavior and gluttonous overindulgence, ultimately giving way to hysteria-induced nervous prostration – unless of course you married into the Waltons or one of those goofy musical families, and I have my suspicions about what was going on up on that mountain. I mean really, John Boy?
- Lower your expectations. If on January 2, you are still alive and listed in the will, it’s a win. You can focus on dealing with the weight gain, cirrhosis and hair loss later. That’s why God invented residential treatment.
- Stock up now. Stuff your refrigerator and cupboard with as much food and drink as you can possibly manage. Hang up a “Self-Serve” sign on both.
- Hide all candles, matches, blow torches, Krazy Glue and lab equipment. If I need to explain why, you may want to consider booking your neuro-psych evaluation sooner rather than later.
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Just in case and mind the sphincter. Courtesy patient.co.uk
Buy a stomach pump (assuming of course you don’t already have one) and write down the poison control number somewhere you can find it, like on the back of your hand with a sharpie. Again, self-explanatory. File it under better safe than medevac-ed.
- Make sure all insurance policies are paid up and in effect.
- And as always, stock the bar.
That should about do it. Any tips you’d care to share?
Start your 2012 Right! Rachel vs Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off
Ah New Year’s Day, that wonderful celebration of new beginnings, hangover ministrations, formal apologies, stomach pumps and bail hearings. Following as it does on the heels of what my family fondly calls amateur night, January first is steeped in homespun tradition, most of which centers around stepping over the moaning carcasses of relatives, friends and complete strangers strewn around the living room and desperately trying to warm themselves at the flat screen. But it’s also about disconsolately sipping Alka Seltzer between trips to the powder room and coping with the mortification and shame that accompany each flashback of the night before.
courtesy foodnetwork.com
And then, of course, there are resolutions to be contemplated, made and almost immediately abandoned. What’s mine? you ask. Well, in addition to losing those pesky last thirty pounds (plateauing at two is such a bitch) and giving my liver the occasional day off, I’ve vowed to watch each and every episode of Rachel vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off. The January first premier is perfect timing; I’ll already be nauseated before it even begins! Read the rest of this entry
Dessert in a Hurry: Clafouti
Thank you sir. May I have another?
You know how it is. You’re yacking it up in a bar. The drinks are flowing and you’re feeling a deep and abiding love for mankind in general and your tablemates in particular, so you invite them over for a little home cooking at your place in a couple of weeks. But tequila slammers being what they are, you don’t necessarily recall issuing the invitation the next morning, in which case, you probably won’t remember that you’re supposed to be getting a company meal on the table two weeks hence. So when your pals call to confirm three hours before they’re set to arrive, you really have only two choices: fake sick (in which case I’d suggest choosing an extremely communicable vector-borne disease – mononucleosis, swine flu, or a herpes outbreak, depending on the nature of the friendship) or suck it up and get the chow on the table.
In the event you choose door number two, here’s what you do.
Holiday Greetings from the Slattern Family!
courtesy Red Pepper Retro
Well it’s been another amazing year in the Slattern household, and as we prepare to welcome Christmas and ring in the New Year, I wanted to bring all our friends up to date with our many merry mix-ups and crazy goings-on.
As some of you may have heard, this year was a tad challenging, owing to Grandma’s conviction in April. Thankfully it was just “time served” and then home with the little ankle bracelet, which is no trouble at all. In fact, we love knowing where she is at all times! Then there was the unfortunate incident with Uncle Fred and his neighbor’s leaf blower over Columbus Day weekend. (Now that the sores have healed, Mr. Evans is a new man!) And finally there was some slight unpleasantness with the IRS, which I’m pleased to report is finally all sorted out. After eight hours in a tiny, overheated office with Mr. Slattern and myself, the nice agent told us we were free to go as long as we took the Pod with all our paperwork in it, Uncle Fred’s flowcharts and Uncle Fred himself with us. No tax fraud, just a misunderstanding after all! Read the rest of this entry
Stop! Stop! No really, please make it stop. I’m begging you.
courtesy huffingtonpost.com
Recently a friend said to me, in a purely constructive way, “Gee, Kitchen Slattern, I think maybe you were a little rough on Nadia G.” As you may recall I described this TV cook as the unholy spawn of an unnatural union between Pee Wee Herman and Snookie, and I’ll admit it’s pretty unvarnished as criticism goes. Upon further consideration, I might more correctly have said she’s like the unholy spawn of an unnatural union between Pee Wee Herman and Snookie with oven mitts. In any case, I took the suggestion in the spirit it was intended – entirely constructive as I said – and had another look at Nadia G., and let me tell you, once my ears stopped bleeding and my appetite returned, I concluded that not only had I been right in the first place, but I don’t think my initial evaluation went far enough, as it did nothing to prevent the creation and marketing of Nadia G’s Christmas video. Honestly, I’ve had acid flashbacks that were more coherent, better choreographed and far less unpleasant than watching this. In hindsight, I do wish I hadn’t shot out the TV, but we all have our Elvis moments, and once you see this video, you’ll know why.
“It’s Christmastime. Stop, stop, rewind.” It’s for charity, so show her “your ding ding ding dong.”
Once you’ve seen and heard this, I defy you to get it out of your head without ECT. You can call me for Dr Feelgood Feldman’s number if need be. I feel your pain.
Kitchen Slattern 